LAST-MINUTE holidays are booming, with more and more destinations on the green list. But what are the real bargains?
Benidorm, return flight and two weeks’ accommodation £230
Affordable, but exposure to extreme right-wing politics from fellow holidaymakers and expatriates guaranteed. High likelihood of contracting Covid on easyJet, falling off a hotel balcony whilst pissed or being beaten by Spanish police. Do a good Full English breakfast though.
Kabul, return flight £115
Afghanistan’s exotic, vibrant and increasingly lively capital is the ideal destination if you’ve been cooped up somewhere boring like Huddersfield, especially with the Taliban returning like a 90s trend. The weather is superb, but remember to pack a flak jacket and flip flops.
Syria, single flight £60
Perfect for sun-seekers looking to top up their tans in blazing desert heat. Be wary of accidental obliteration in indiscriminate government bombing attacks and do not approach anyone or attempt to enter a town, particularly if full of angry men in black clothing.
Mongo, return flight £10
The homeworld of Ming the Merciless has its downsides, such as torture, death and camp sci-fi battles, but is refreshingly different and authentic compared to traditional destinations like Tuscany. Go now before it’s full of Guardian readers.
The Falkland Islands, return flight £2,700
Great for a stag do or other lads’ holiday, if you’re up for sex with penguins. Port Stanley is not noted for its nightclubs, but what better way to shake off a hangover than a healthy tramp across the golden grasslands trying not to step on unexploded munitions?
Mordor, return flight £1
Wonderful sight-seeing opportunities for Instagram such as the impressive Eye of Sauron and the blazing majesty of Mount Doom. A slight danger of being eaten by orcs, but with a good local guide such as Gollum there really shouldn’t be any problems.