Six unbelievably cheap flights to places you'll regret flying to

LAST-MINUTE holidays are booming, with more and more destinations on the green list.  But what are the real bargains? 

Benidorm, return flight and two weeks’ accommodation £230

Affordable, but exposure to extreme right-wing politics from fellow holidaymakers and expatriates guaranteed. High likelihood of contracting Covid on easyJet, falling off a hotel balcony whilst pissed or being beaten by Spanish police. Do a good Full English breakfast though.

Kabul, return flight £115

Afghanistan’s exotic, vibrant and increasingly lively capital is the ideal destination if you’ve been cooped up somewhere boring like Huddersfield, especially with the Taliban returning like a 90s trend. The weather is superb, but remember to pack a flak jacket and flip flops.

Syria, single flight £60

Perfect for sun-seekers looking to top up their tans in blazing desert heat. Be wary of accidental obliteration in indiscriminate government bombing attacks and do not approach anyone or attempt to enter a town, particularly if full of angry men in black clothing.

Mongo, return flight £10

The homeworld of Ming the Merciless has its downsides, such as torture, death and camp sci-fi battles, but is refreshingly different and authentic compared to traditional destinations like Tuscany. Go now before it’s full of Guardian readers.

The Falkland Islands, return flight £2,700

Great for a stag do or other lads’ holiday, if you’re up for sex with penguins. Port Stanley is not noted for its nightclubs, but what better way to shake off a hangover than a healthy tramp across the golden grasslands trying not to step on unexploded munitions?

Mordor, return flight £1

Wonderful sight-seeing opportunities for Instagram such as the impressive Eye of Sauron and the blazing majesty of Mount Doom. A slight danger of being eaten by orcs, but with a good local guide such as Gollum there really shouldn’t be any problems.

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Family forced to take bloody rabbit on holiday

A FAMILY unable to find anyone to look after their pet rabbit are reluctantly taking it for ten days in Snowdonia. 

The Booker family called round a selection of pet hotels, friends and family at the last minute before their departure without success, so instead are taking both rabbit and hutch to a self-catering cottage in Abergynolwyn.

Tom Booker said: “F**ksake. Bad enough our main holiday’s in bloody Wales, but now we’ve got the rabbit along?

“The hutch fills the boot so we’re having to bring two cars, plus all its pellets and hay and shit, and that’s one more chore to do when I’m meant to be having some time off.

“Of course the kids are delighted. ‘Can we take Snowy to the beach?’ ‘Can we take Snowy to a castle?’ Can we f**k. Snowy’s getting stuck in the garden to enjoy a slightly different view through his chickenwire.

“He doesn’t know he’s in Wales any more than he knew he was in Wakefield. This isn’t a rabbit adventure. It’s an administrative f**k-up of which the rabbit will remain blissfully unaware.”

Wife Suzy Booker said: “I’m telling a bedtime story every night about Snowy’s thrilling escapades with the wild Welsh rabbits, in preparation for when he runs off to join them.”