Tuesday, 11th May 2021

Strictly round five, and other results Trump's legal team could overturn

DONALD Trump’s team of sub-Mafia lawyers is trying to overturn the election. Not going to happen. They should focus on these low-hanging fruits instead: 

Your child’s A-levels

When exams were cancelled your beloved but misunderstood child only got Cs, not the A-grades you believe they’d have fluked. Trump’s team will prove all the other kids cheated because Republican observers had no access to their teachers when they were guessing grades.

Round five of Strictly Come Dancing

HRVY wins the public vote for his paso doble but is relegated to the dance-off when the judges’ scores are added. This definitely violates article 55 of the US Constitution, giving grounds for litigation. If the BBC won’t act form a militia.

Boaty McBoatface

Although a clear demonstration of why voting produces f**kwits like Trump, the name Boaty McBoatface was chosen fair and square. The liberal elite stole the vote when they named the ship after David Attenborough instead. Clear-cut fraud.

Andy Abraham coming last in the Eurovision Song Contest in 2008

Team Trump would love to get their legal teeth into this geopolitical can of worms. With undemocratic forces at play, like the Baltics all voting for each other or France threatening tiny Andorra with invasion if they don’t award them douze points, Rudy could go xenophobic fake law apeshit.

Biggest cauliflower in show at Hadnall village fete

You’ve hauled your humongous vegetable to a marquee on a sports field but it doesn’t win first prize. Once Giuliani can aggressively grill the vicar’s wife about her left-wing bias and your rival’s bribe of home-made elderflower wine, that winner’s rosette is yours.