How to bring all your workplace shit into your home

HOME used to be a nice change from the mundane grind of the office, but under lockdown we’ve lost that feeling. Do this from nine to five and bring it back: 

Make your own lanyard

Improvise a little lightweight shackle with a shoelace and a rectangle of paper, and say ‘beep!’ to yourself when going through your living room door. Or if you’ve lost yours, wait for a family member to go through and sneak in behind her.

Be mysteriously out of mugs

One morning, move all the mugs in the kitchen cupboard somewhere random, like the far corner of the cupboard under the stairs. Leave behind one giant, indestructible Sports Direct mug, chipped and irrevocably stained.

Get an annoying colleague

Ask a housemate or the dog to keep interrupting you until you have to smile vaguely and put on big chunky headphones.

Give yourself fag breaks

Go outside for a miserable cigarette in the rain, standing under a shelter looking at the bike racks opposite, neither wanting to be out here or go back in there, shivering with cold.

Make your own prawn mayo sandwich

Recreate a Tesco prawn mayo sandwich by cutting triangles of limp brown bread, salty mayo and tiny prawns, putting it in a sweaty cardboard packet and then chucking £2.30 out of the window. Dial into a miserable conference call and put in on mute. An authentic office lunch.

Get a security guard

Pretend there’s an overweight man downstairs with an over-inflated sense of importance who treats you like dirt even though you’ve seen them every morning for eight years. Realise with dismay that your partner already is that man, then get back to f**king work.

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Brave anti-vaxxer to be vaccinated to prove it's bollocks

A HEROIC anti-vaxxer has volunteered to be injected with the new vaccine to expose the Covid conspiracy for the lie that it is.

Martin Bishop believes receiving the Pfizer vaccine is the only way to prove Covid is entirely fictional and governments around the world have been terrifying the public for no clear reason.

He said: “When I go to the doctor – who’s a soldier of the New World Order – she’ll fill the syringe with a clear liquid that can only be tap water. I’ll craftily take a photo.

“If I then don’t get Covid, that proves it doesn’t exist. If it’s a MKUltra-style mind control drug, that will become immediately apparent to my anti-vaxxer friends because I’ll become a mindless zombie who believes the BBC.

“It’ll be great knowing I’m safe from the virus and able to get back to normal. Sorry, I meant ‘blowing this whole Deep State Illuminati scam wide open’.”

Bishop’s GP Donna Sheridan said: “Martin’s not in a high-risk category, but I’ll break medical guidelines to vaccinate him if it means he’ll f**k off.”