'The sponge' and five other household objects too manky to think about

WE live alongside a whole host of everyday objects too repellent to ever allow ourselves to dwell on. These filthy six are in your home: 

The kitchen sponge

It’s steeped in warm water and foamy suds every day, so it’s basically self-cleaning, right? So ignore the brown stains and the smell, like a dead mouse behind the dryer. Until it physically disintegrates it’s a waste to change it. Best to go on living in quiet fear.

Your water bottle

You’re an environmental hero with an expensive, fancy bottle that makes all water taste a little bit weird. Why wedge a washing-up brush into its murky inside when you can give it a half-hearted monthly rinse? You’re saving the planet and keeping healthy by swilling mould.

Your phone

It’s the first thing you reach for after clearing up the baby’s vomit, and toilet visits without it are lost and alone. And yet you happily plonk it down on kitchen surfaces and snuggle up next to it in bed. Let’s be honest: you’re in love, and love sees past little things like deadly bacteria.

Your slippers

You wedge your bare feet into these filth-ridden stench pouches without a second thought. You’ve never even considered washing them and you never wash your feet. They should have an embroidered biohazard symbol on the toes.

Your computer keyboard

How many solid years of service has your keyboard provided without once getting so much as a disinfectant wipe? Where are you supposed to find time for that when there are YouTube wormholes to lose yourself down? It was new in 2013 so it’s fine.

Your genitals

So many crevices, so much casual oozing. No matter how much hot water or fancy soap you slosh on them, they can never truly be clean.

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Success of lockdown 'entirely dependent on everyone actually doing it'

SCIENTISTS have put forward the controversial theory that lockdowns only work if the public actually bothers to f**king observe them. 

The UK Centre of Disease Prevention found a strong statistical correlation between increases in the R rate and behaving as if the second England-wide lockdown is not for you but for other people.

Professor Denys Finch Hatton said: “Strangely, this infectious disease passed from human to human thrives when measures taken to stop its transmission are completely ignored.

“A careful study of everything we’ve been saying loudly and unavoidably for seven months would reveal that popping round to friends and relatives, wandering maskless around garden centres and visiting five National Trusts per weekend will actually spread the virus.

“So I would advise everyone in England who’s carrying on with life exactly as they did before that they appear to have missed the point. Right, done, I’m off to a rave.”

Member of the public Nikki Hollis said: “I’m being extra careful this lockdown by only visiting my mum, cousins, Tesco, my mate Shelley’s shared house and Spain next week.

“Hugs are fine so long as you’ve got an unopened bottle of hand sanitiser at home, right?”