Thursday, 15th April 2021

Government to ignore breakthrough vaccine for one designed by old Oxford chum that doesn't work

THE UK government has greeted news of a viable Covid-19 vaccine by ordering a different one made by an old schoolfriend with a zero per cent success rate. 

Pfizer’s vaccine, thought to be 90 per cent effective, will be sidelined in favour of a vaccine developed by Julian Cook, who attended Eton and Oxford alongside the prime minister.

Health secretary Matt Hancock said: “It’s not actually Jules who’s developing the vaccine, it’s his wife. But she’s very big in hedge funds so I’m sure it will be excellent.

“Yes, this other vaccine is a great day for humanity and all the rest of it. But it would be irresponsible to just accept it without first giving an old friend a few hundred million to piss about creating a less effective alternative.

“Julian’s wife Kate’s pharmaceutical company, based in her kitchen and founded in June, deserves £600 million, a full staff of consultants and a PR team, all awarded on a no-bid contract. I won’t apologise for supporting British innovation.

“Okay, her vaccine won’t prevent coronavirus or anything like that but it’s certainly worth a bash before rushing into something that will, but won’t benefit anyone we know financially.”

Vaccine developer Kate Cook said: “I really need this, after my PPE company went into liquidation in May before supplying any PPE.”