Government to ignore breakthrough vaccine for one designed by old Oxford chum that doesn't work

THE UK government has greeted news of a viable Covid-19 vaccine by ordering a different one made by an old schoolfriend with a zero per cent success rate. 

Pfizer’s vaccine, thought to be 90 per cent effective, will be sidelined in favour of a vaccine developed by Julian Cook, who attended Eton and Oxford alongside the prime minister.

Health secretary Matt Hancock said: “It’s not actually Jules who’s developing the vaccine, it’s his wife. But she’s very big in hedge funds so I’m sure it will be excellent.

“Yes, this other vaccine is a great day for humanity and all the rest of it. But it would be irresponsible to just accept it without first giving an old friend a few hundred million to piss about creating a less effective alternative.

“Julian’s wife Kate’s pharmaceutical company, based in her kitchen and founded in June, deserves £600 million, a full staff of consultants and a PR team, all awarded on a no-bid contract. I won’t apologise for supporting British innovation.

“Okay, her vaccine won’t prevent coronavirus or anything like that but it’s certainly worth a bash before rushing into something that will, but won’t benefit anyone we know financially.”

Vaccine developer Kate Cook said: “I really need this, after my PPE company went into liquidation in May before supplying any PPE.”

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How to socialise outside without freezing your tits off

UNDER lockdown, England can only socialise by exercising with one other person outdoors – and it’s bloody freezing. These tips will help: 

Keep moving

You may have gotten out of the habit in the last seven months, but moving generates heat. But no need to exercise: remember how you danced at school discos as a teenager and simply shift your weight from side-to-side while avoiding eye contact.

Full body scarfing

It seems a little selfish of the neck to be the only body part to benefit from the snuggly warmth of a scarf. Let all of you in on the fun by wrapping yourself in multiple strips of knitwear like an Egyptian mummy with a penchant for plaid. You’ll never look back.

Eat crisps

Fatty foods provide insulation, crisps are the perfect exercise snack, and the spicier the flavour, the better. Until you put your mask back on and knock yourself sick with your pungent paprika breath.

Take an oil-filled radiator

A fan-heater won’t work without a 200m extension cord, but those oil-filled radiators stay hot for up to 25 minutes. Roll it along to the park with you and gather around it like they do around burning barrels in dystopian future movies.


What could keep you warmer than inhaling burning tobacco smoke? It’s a real deep-down inside toasty feeling with only a few minor health issues attached.

Take a flask

It may make you look like a loser at an air show, but a Thermos filled with coffee, hot chocolate or good old British Bovril will be your best friend in these troubled times. Or mulled wine if you want. Or just a hip-flask of whisky.