ARE you a US influencer worried videos about London are getting played out? Keen to find new locations to horrify your followers with? Follow our guide:
Go north
Weird, because in your country to find poverty you go south, but try it. It won’t be long before you’re in parts of the UK Richard Curtis never discovered. Look for high rates of benefit fraud, closed shops, bus stops that look like they’ve survived airstrikes and vape shops offended by customers interrupting their real business of money laundering.
Act excited by everything
Mispronounce Stevenage so it sounds French. Claim you’ve found a 15th century pub that belonged to King Wetherspoon and you can almost taste the history. Zoom in on people eating chips outside a chicken shop and explain that al fresco dining is part of the culture here, especially in pouring rain, and is protected by UNESCO.
Condescend
Ask someone in a tracksuit if they voted for Brexit. Yes, obviously. Ask if they regret it, because they can no longer have a year abroad in Provence or enjoy a six-month Italian language refresher course in Turin. Use that bemused expression for likes until they punch you in the face for making them think.
Experience the local gastronomy
You must experience the local cuisine. Clear arteries are for people with low follower counts. Order a barm cake with melted butter and black pudding. Do not, under any circumstances, find out what black pudding is. Dig in and prepare to look reluctantly won around by this non-processed feast, while concluding it’s no cheese-filled corn dog.
Leave as soon as possible
Be back in the capital within 24 hours, lest locals hear of you and ask you to rap. You’ll need to hand-tint your videos to stop the buildings, skies, and people being grey. If you encounter a non-white person, this is valuable proof that Europe has been overrun by Islam and should be forwarded directly to JD Vance.
Return to your American city refreshed
You have seen the worst life has to offer, ie the Midlands, and survived. Now you can go back to the endless strip malls, swaying addicts and casual gun violence of your home confident in your unchallenged belief it is the greatest place on Earth. God bless America, for it is not Nuneaton.
