Subscribe

Everyone hates trendy vicar

A NEW vicar attempting to reach out to parishioners below the age of 60 is universally despised for trying to be cool and approachable. 

While traditionalists detest 32-year-old Reverend Julian Cook for mocking ‘stuffy’ hymns and ‘droning’ sermons, the young people he hopes to reach find his cloying desperation ‘cringe’.

Churchgoer Margaret Gerving said: “When Julian – I will not call him Julez – said he wanted to modernise, I thought he meant a few hymns from the 1920s. Imagine my surprise when he set off a smoke machine and urged us to ‘big up the apostles’.

“The dickhead struts around in a hoodie and jeans with a microphone headset like he’s Justin bloody Bieber on stage at Coachella. His now abandoned TikTok series explaining the Book of Leviticus through twerking was the definition of blasphemy.

“He says a dog collar is off-putting, though wore a real dog collar in vegan friendly leather to appeal to ‘the local BDSM community’. He vapes in the pulpit. And Easter’s Resurrection Escape Room caused the verger a panic attack.

“The Church of England should be old, dusty and on the verge of death. Yes, strumming a guitar and harmonising about Christ our Lord’s ‘big dick energy’ may kill it, but in the wrong way.”

Sophie Rodriguez, aged 17, said: “I don’t want this. I came here wanting to be told to save my soul or burn in Hell, because God is giving Daddy.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Stop hosting bird orgies, says RSPB

THE Royal Society for the Protection of Birds has urged Britain to ban filthy avian sex parties in the sanctity of their gardens.

The charity warned that encouraging garden birds to feed and congregate at this time of year means encouraging depraved bird-on-bird bacchanals which spread disease.

A spokesman said: “We’re a country of bird-lovers. Unfortunately, that extends to supporting and promoting their healthy sexual expression.

“It doesn’t stop with fat balls. Once a table and all too often camera are in place, twitchers can’t resist putting out seed-flavoured lube and tiny leather harnesses to encourage the more adventurous species.

“Consequently we’re seeing a massive uptick in serious diseases like sparrow gonorrhoea, hard to treat because they keep flying away before finishing their course of antibiotics.

“Responsible garden-owners can help these sexually-rapacious beasts by putting out bird condoms, available in all good garden centres, and discouraging incompatible birds from copulation. A little sign saying ‘more tit-on-tit action please’ can work wonders.

“We wouldn’t want our birds to turn into nuns. Where’s the fun in that?”

Bird-lover Francesca Johnson said: “I know all too well how bad STIs can get. But we have to accept, from the singing alone, that chaffinches are nothing but raddled old whores.”

Next story ›