The five most irritating holiday photos you're forced to like on Instagram

ON holiday, are you? Sharing the joy with friends back home who grit their teeth and post an amazed emoji at this predictable bullshit? 

Ticket photos

A holiday to LA? Genuinely impressive. What’s less awe-inspiring is a shot of your hand holding boarding passes, because that’s mere admin. The price is always obscured because that would be boasting, whereas there’s a quiet dignity in sharing that you’ll be trapped in economy for 11 hours.

The view from the plane window

Interesting photographs have people and places in them. This has neither, whether it’s the tarmac of runway 08R/26L at Gatwick airport or the blue of any bit of sky. It’s essentially an ‘IN TRANSIT’ sign like when you check on a parcel. Still you’ll get friends insincerely giving it the thumbs-up.

A candid of the gorgeous weather

Cloudless blue skies and stunning sunsets are enjoyable if you’re there to witness them in person. Otherwise they’re a reminder that the sender is there and the receiver is in overcast, cold Britain and lunch will be a sandwich that tastes of fridge and overpriced crisps. Likes are low on this one.

Meal after meal after sodding meal

Photos of food are tiresome enough in this country, where you at least in theory could go to the place. Holiday meals are doubly smug because they not only look appetising, they’re sunlit and posted at fun times like 11am and 3pm when you’re morosely chewing a Twix. Your comment of ‘Mmm’ comes from a place of pure hatred.

Anything involving landmarks

Landmarks have been done. They have been photographed. There is no danger of them being forgotten. Your mate doesn’t give a shit about their cultural significance anyway. Selfies with Angkor Wat or the Leaning Tower of Pisa are being banked for their Tinder profiles for later luring an underwhelming shag. You add an amazed emoji.

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Seven acts of everyday rudeness by homeworking couples

TREATING your partner with consideration on evenings and weekends is hard enough, so during the nine to five they’re just like any other twat colleague:

Monopolising office space

Just because there’s only one home office doesn’t mean you should have to share it. Decide your job is most important and let your partner prop herself up on the bed fighting lumbar pain and the urge to sleep. Breeze in and open curtains if she’s not got light on her screen.

Make lunch for one

You didn’t have to fanny around feeding a hungry boyfriend during the office years, so why now? If he appears in the kitchen just as you’re settling down to enjoy a lovely procrastination-inspired salad using everything tasty in the fridge, enjoy without guilt. There’s Weetabix in the cupboard if he’s hungry.

Leave the kitchen a shit tip

You’re far too busy to run around cleaning up for him, so leave the kitchen in the state an 80s power-dressing executive would: f**ked up. Chopping boards, knives, a half-loaf of bread, dirty dishes, the lot. He won’t mind popping it all away if you’re getting emails.

Blame each other for the internet

When the connection drops in the middle of your big Zoom presentation, don’t hesitate. Stomp downstairs and accuse your wife of streaming or downloading or whatever and order her to stay off the internet until you’ve finished. Stomp back up shaking your head muttering ‘useless’ just like in a real office.

Be loud

No matter how thin the plasterboard walls, make no allowances for your booming voice as you discuss sales figures, ROI and what everyone’s getting Sandra for her 50th. Put the laptop’s volume on maximum to give your partner context. Watch out for an aggressive counter-attack like loud Radio 2 or the washing machine on full spin.

Steal water

Kettle just boiled and he’s in the bathroom? Don’t think twice about stealing it for your tea. Make a hurried cup and head upstairs fast, teabag still in, and let him deal with the consequences. Ignore the muttered swearing outside your firmly closed door.


Need to know how to add links to a PDF, or to proofread an email? Why Google when there’s a helping hand just a room away? Just burst in and demand she drops everything to help you, that’s not unreasonable. If told no, file it away as one more grievance to list that evening when discussing the arsehole you work with.