YO. Name’s Fintan O’Connell, third-generation, Guinness-drinking, IRA-supporting Irish-American New Yorker. Today’s epic asskicking will reverberate across the Atlantic. Here’s how it’s going down:
Biden beats Johnson down
My boy Joe is not going in with the tea-drinking Brit pleasantries. He is walking in, nodding at his boys to mind the door, and cracking that lying snake motherf**ker across the temple with a pool cue. That’s opening negotiations donkey-style.
Out with the charm
Now it’s time for that famous Irish charm. Eyes sparkling, Joe’ll sit himself down for a traditional bowl of Ireland’s favourite cereal Lucky Charms. I never miss a bowl myself and I’ve killed a man with a pen.
Down to business
Joe will pour the doubles and ask the questions. ‘So, you’re f**king with the Good Friday agreement? Endangering peace? Shall we perhaps have a think?’ Then break a bottle on the table but just hold it, breathing hard.
Let the asshole speak
It’s important in negotiations to let the other dickhead speak, like I did when the bank tried to close my f**king bar. Don’t listen, just relax and let a peaceful, happy Irish tune like ‘The Croppy Boy’ run through your head. Then go f**king ballistic.
Biden will lay down the law; no violations of Good Friday, no hard border, fast track to unification, f**k the English. Hopefully with a knee to the groin. Then just walk out.