There is a stranger. Am I allowed to shoot? Your guide to US gun laws

YOU’RE a US citizen, you’re armed, there is a person you don’t know. Are you legally allowed to shoot? Find out with our guide. 

The stranger is on, near, or has touched my property. Am I cleared to fire?

YES. A stranger who has knocked at your door or brushed past your vehicle may have begun to covet. Coveting leads to theft – it’s in the Bible. You are justified in fearing for your property and under capitalism, your property is your life. Fire away.

The stranger is attempting to speak. Should I shoot?

YES. Time is money and this stranger is attempting to steal yours. Every word they speak is a moment of your life gone and another moment closer to the grave. This can therefore be classed as attempted murder and you opening fire as self-defence.

A stranger more than 100 yards away is reaching down to scratch his ass. Does this merit an armed response?

YES. Most guns are tucked in the waistband, so anyone dropping their hands below their sternum is potentially reaching for a gun. If they get it you’re a goner. You are entirely justified in taking them out from a concealed position 100 yards away. Expect police to release you without charge.

I watch Fox News and have heard a noise. Should I tuck, roll and open fire?

YES. As an avid Fox viewer you are kept in no doubt that your very way of life is under threat and therefore so are you. That noise could be a drag show, an attempt to vote postally, or an activist judge trying to take your guns away. That it later turns out to be a family member is not your fault but the media’s.

I am wearing a police uniform. Can I go weapons free?

YES. The police represent justice and no shot they fire can be a bad one, with the lone exception of the shot fired on January 6th at a patriot only trying to restore democratic government with an insurrection. Otherwise all shots fired are fully justified from the moment the trigger is pulled. Double-tap with a clear conscience.

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10 fictional characters you're meant to like but are wankers

FILMS and TV are often desperate for you to like certain characters, but balls it up so badly you’re praying for them to die horribly. Here are some deeply unloved creations.


She’s a sassy career woman struggling to juggle work, a personal life and being a hulk. God, that sounds shit written down. The main character is annoyingly bubble-headed (not ideal if she’s your defence lawyer) and the show is comedy grafted onto the frequently serious Marvel Universe, which has all the appeal of Del Boy popping up in The Long Good Friday

Any character in Bread

Ar Joey, ar Aveline, ar Billy, ar Jack, ar Granddad – they’re all so annoying and contrived you want them to suffer and die then be resurrected to suffer some more. ‘Thatcher should have been a lot tougher on the fiddling Scouse dole scum of the 80s’ is probably not the message Carla Lane intended. Maybe she was a Tory plant.

Forrest Gump

Our cruel, capricious, cynical world seen through the eyes of the ultimate naif. Unfortunately Forrest’s extremely low IQ means he understands nothing, except some dubious crap about chocolates. He may as well have ended up in a Viet Cong POW camp during the Vietnam bit – he’d probably have been perfectly happy tucking into his free rice and talking to his new maggot friend.

Doctor Who (Northern idiot regeneration)

Oh dear. The children’s TV presenter outfit. The breathless delivery. The tiresome alternating between serious-minded defender of Earth and ‘I’m completely mad, me!’ wackiness. Yep, it’s safe to say the dogshit version of the Doctor handed to Jodie Whittaker in script form ‘divided fans’. Best of all were the pious lectures about such tricky concepts as destroying the environment being bad. Thanks, Doc. I’ll stop dissolving endangered otters in acid right now.


Theoretically viewers were going to love this cute little robot from Buck Rogers in the 25th Century. Two slight problems: he only ever said ‘bedeep bedeep bedeep’, thus limiting his relatability, and his head looked like an engorged glans. Not to be outdone, Battlestar Galactica had a cute, ie. f**king terrifying, robot dog, Muffit II, which looked like a sheepdog had been run over by a lorry and rebuilt with scrap metal parts, and was probably in constant pain and craving death.

Jack Sparrow

He’s so unconventional! He’s so funny! He’s so irritating and we’re only halfway through the first movie! Jack Sparrow is fine when the other characters get plenty to do, but too much Sparrow, as is the case in the later films, becomes like eating too many Haribo – fun at first but three bags later you want to explosively puke your guts up. 

Rey Skywalker 

There’s a worrying amount of hate directed at Rey by male YouTubers. Maybe Finn being permanently stuck in the friend zone was too close to home. The aim was clearly to create a ‘strong female character’ and everyone took it to mean ‘Rey is ace at everything’. And she is – wielding a lightsaber against trained Sith, flying the Millennium Falcon, bringing people back from the dead. Seriously, if you’re putting together an IKEA wardrobe you should get Rey along. She’d do it in one minute, and she’d have brought her own Allen key.

Howling Mad Murdock 

The A-Team’s obligatory comic relief in a show not really noted for its grim seriousness. The comic relief effect was mitigated somewhat by Murdock not being at all funny. Still, an easy mistake to make. Nowadays the makers would think twice about this frankly strange portrayal of mental illness, so thank f**k for humourless woke censorship.

Sherlock Holmes (Benedict Cumberbatch version)

Here’s an idea: why not swap out the traditional suave gentleman sleuth for an arrogant, emotionally strung-out smartarse in an expensive London flat who’s gratuitously unpleasant to ever-loyal Watson? Then when Sherlock solves a puzzle that is pure bullshit – eg. deducing that Moriarty has been in Kenya because he’s slightly taller and gravity is less on the equator – it’ll be the last f**king straw for viewers and they’ll never watch it again.

Jar Jar Binks

George Lucas genuinely believed he’d be bringing joy into the lives of millions of kids with Jar Jar, and the figures would be flying off the shelves faster than factories could make them. Strangely the public wasn’t as keen on a grotesque amphibian in flares with racist undertones. Jar Jar has faced stiff competition in the unpopularity stakes from newer Star Wars characters like Rose Tico, Admiral Holdo and Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s L337, but he remains the daddy of unpopular wankers.