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Things Trump says being reported as if they have meaning

RANDOM phrases that squirt out while Donald Trump is opening and closing his mouth are being reported as if they bear actual meaning. 

A slew of half-finished nonsense Trump said when asked about the war in Iran – “Let me tell you, we’ve won. You know, you never like to say too early you’ve won. We won, we won. In the first hour, it was over. We don’t want to leave early, do we?We’ve got to finish the job” – has been reported as news, despite the speaker’s mental condition and history.

Washington correspondent Joanna Kramer said: “He said some syllables. It was generally negative. If I pretend he had the slightest idea he knew what he was saying, I have a story.

“In reality the question surprised him and what he meant was ‘I will not lose this war, I cannot lose any war, why isn’t everyone nice to me all the time,’ ie the usual crap.

“We have to accept that when Trump says Iran is defeated or postal voting is against the law or Britain is no longer his ally, it’s all bullshit. They are empty, nothing words from a vainglorious charlatan and none of them means a f**king thing.”

She added: “While at the same time being a proven threat to US democracy and the safety of the free world. It’s always both at once with him.”

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Why any man who dates women under 30 is a massive creep, by 32-year-old Charlotte Phelps

PERVERTS, the lot of them. A man dating a 27-year-old ought to have his photo up behind the bar in Nando’s and a curfew. 

Setting your upper age range as 30 on Tinder? Barred from the app and a police visit is automatically triggered. If he’s replied to two or more women his devices should be seized.

How can any relationship with that kind of power differential be healthy? Men who aren’t strong enough for a confident, independent woman their own age, instead preying on lithe women with dewy buttocks and no conversation.

It’s the girls I worry for. A 38-year-old’s panting atop you, red-faced with the effort of putting his PlayStation controller down, close to cardiac arrest. Because of his fatty heart, not because she’s so sexy.

And really, old men dating innocent, perky-bosomed girls must be hating every second of it, their anecdotes about seeing Iron Man in the actual cinema falling flat. Women under 30 may be able to vote, work and buy homes, but they can’t meaningfully consent to sex with that.

Nor is it just men over 30. Men in their 20s have to be restricted. Turning down relationships with real women for a string of hook-ups with clear-skinned beauties who don’t remember Bennifer from the first time around? Just to have someone to patronise?

These poor girls, who could happily stay inside crocheting, must be protected. Cloistered. I’m thinking a benign form of nunnery. 

Enforcing this on men would encourage them not to age-dump their girlfriends when commitment looms leaving women 32 and single, which is an equitable outcome for everyone. 

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