THE president of the US has been crowing about passing cognitive tests again, unrelated to daily concerns about his decaying mental state. He could also boast about these:
Completing a captcha
‘Click all images that contain animals’ is well within Trump’s capabilities to identify lions and camels. He’d claim it as an amazing success then add ‘nobody has ever completed a captcha like I have. I can access all the websites’ before pausing for applause.
Toddler’s sorting blocks
Most adults wouldn’t brag about this, but Trump would unselfconsciously explain the process in detail: ‘They got a square piece that goes through the hole for a square piece, they got a triangle piece that…’ Should this be disqualifying for office? Yes. Would his fanbase be genuinely impressed? Also yes.
Finish a child’s jigsaw
A 1,000-piece jigsaw for tragic adults? Well beyond him. A 16-piece wooden one for pre-schoolers depicting colourful cartoon fish? Doable. He’d brag about it on Fox News, saying people like Barack Obama, Kamala Harris and Ilhan Omar couldn’t do it due to their ‘very low IQ’, failing to notice he is a disgusting racist.
Extremely easy riddles
‘What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs in the evening?’ is the riddle of the Sphinx about a man getting older. Maybe Trump’s heard it before and would remember the answer? Or maybe he’d just say ‘a dog’, ‘a man’ and ‘a dog with three legs’ and pronounce himself correct.
‘Click to confirm you are not a robot’
Trump could legitimately say he’d succeeded at this after Marco Rubio placed the laptop in front of him, positioned the pointer over the box and told him to tap the touchpad. The validity of this achievement would be confirmed by Tim Cook giving him a hefty gold ‘World’s Greatest Computer User’ award.
Finishing a colouring book
The simple challenges of staying within the lines makes this the perfect activity for Trump to imagine is impressive. As usual he would claim that ‘people are saying they’ve never seen anything like it’, which is true if you include the millions around the world wondering what the f**k happened to America.
Things that are not in any way tests
As he mentally deteriorates but remains a narcissistic egomaniac, Trump will start bragging about ordinary tasks like brushing his teeth. And as the press never challenges his lunacy, they will only have themselves to blame when Reuters and the Washington Post are lead to a White House bathroom to see a turd he is particularly proud of.
