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Is my looney Green, or Reform?

AN individual standing for the local council in your area holds deranged views from their radicalised corner of social media. But are they Green or Reform? Find out: 

Does my prospective councillor advocate for: 

A) The abolition of all money to be replaced with a local bartering market, with value decided by commune leaders
B) The return to the serfdom standard, because people had more connection with the land when they were owned by it

My prospective councillor has a deep and abiding hatred of a foreign country. Is it: 

A) Israel
B) All the Muslim ones except Dubai, where he lived until March

In contrast, their position on Russia is: 

A) We should make peace over Ukraine and normalise relations with them so we can focus on the real enemy: America
B) We should make peace over Ukraine and normalise relations with them so we can focus on the real enemy: Europe

My prospective councillor believes the ideal woman is: 

A) Greta Thunberg
B) Samantha Fox until he discovered she was gay and switched to Lucy Pinder

My prospective councillor is a powerful advocate for the legalisation of: 

A) All illegal substances without exception, in the belief it will vastly reduce harm of the impoverished
B) All automatic weapons without exception, in the belief it will vastly increase harm of the impoverished

What is my prospective councillor’s view on immigration, which as a member of a county council they will have no influence over whatsoever? 

A) Strongly for
B) Strongly, vehemently, forehead-vein-poppingly against

How long will my prospective councillor last in the job when they discover they will never create their planned utopia because it’s mainly budgets and bins? 

A) About three months
B) About three months

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Your prospective local councillor is a Green looney! Check out their social media to discover they advocated for the trial and public execution of JK Rowling as recently as last month.

Mostly Bs: Your prospective local councillor is a Reform looney! Check out their social media to discover they advocated for the trial and public execution of Gary Lineker as recently as last month.

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How to look as stupid as Met Gala celebrities on a budget

WISH you looked as laughably idiotic as the celebrities attending the Met Gala? Create an appropriate wardrobe on a budget with our guide: 

Get dressed sans lighting

High fashion is often plainly ludicrous but you don’t have to be Anna Wintour to achieve similar results. Instead break into a local charity shop and, while the lights are out and the burglar alarm blaring, throw on every item you stumble into. The child’s tent you wear as a skirt may not be suitable for the office but will be a wow on the red carpet.

Experiment with household materials

Traditional textiles can only get you so far. If you really want to look as glamorous as Doja Cat, start sporting a chic Bacofoil crop top or an opulent train fashioned from a shower curtain you used to protect furniture when decorating. With imagination, even the recycling bin is a treasure trove of jewellery and you’re ‘making a statement about the environment’.

Mix-and-match Halloween costumes

The formalwear of a vampire, teamed with the rags of the living dead? The chains of an executioner mixed with the jerkin of Shrek? The mask of a werewolf over the lilac of some f**king character your kid wanted to be from Fortnite? It’s jarring, it’s powerful, it’s pure fashion and Colman Domingo would be jealous.

Shop at TK Maxx

Looking for comically unusual clothes that nobody with even a tenuous grasp on sanity would consider? Cut out the couturier and shop at TK Maxx instead. Nothing will fit, nothing will match, no shoes will be paired, but it’ll be worth it when you eventually that statement hi-vis Hazmat suit with matching zippered trilby.

Wear your normal clothing

Sneering at the stars? Look in a mirror. Your sauce-stained cargo shorts and last season’s Crocs would be so outlandish at fashion’s top event they’d be astonishing. If the theme is Costume Art, then you’ve come as the groundbreaking work ‘My Bed’ by Tracey Emin. Empty Smirnoff bottles? Model’s own.

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