Traitor has no strong opinion on Elgin Marbles

A SPINELESS turncoat does not have a furious opinion on whether the Elgin Marbles should be returned to Greece, it has emerged.

Cowardly traitor Tom Booker is refusing to pledge his allegiance to either side of the latest culture war row, and is instead focusing on news like the Israel-Hamas conflict that actually matters.

He said: “Both sides make compelling arguments. But as an average person I’m far from qualified to have an informed opinion on the legality of owning historic artworks.

“It does seem odd that an important piece of Greece’s cultural heritage is in this country. Then again, all countries have collected foreign artefacts during their history, and the British Museum is doing a bang up job of looking after them.

“I seem to annoy everyone with my indifference. Gammons foam at the mouth but I’ve noticed they don’t love the Marbles so much they’ve got a poster of them on their wall. Then lefties go on about imperialism which makes me want to go to sleep.

“Maybe we could all reach a nice compromise. Britain could keep the statues for six months before shipping them off to Athens for the rest of the year. Or am I being too reasonable about the whole thing?”

Friend Martin Bishop said: “Yes he is. I hate level-headed people like Tom who miss the point of a tabloid frenzy. I’d put him in front of a firing squad and blow up the Marbles so no one can have them.”

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Man feeling suffocated by expectation of liking and taking an interest in girlfriend

A BOYFRIEND feels utterly smothered by having to be nice to his partner and spend some of his spare time with her.

Though initially delighted to have a girlfriend and tell all his mates about it, Jack Browne now feels that the entire enterprise is too much like hard work, and is negatively affecting his lifestyle.

He explained: “I asked her to officially go out with me, but I wouldn’t have if I’d known having a bird was like this. It’s only been a week and already I feel like I’m in prison.

“She texts me constantly, like once a day, asking what I’m up to and how I am, and then gets annoyed when I forget to reply but carry on posting five stories an hour on my Instagram like normal.

“It’s definite stalker behaviour. I’m paranoid all the time that she’s going to have a go at me for normal things, like getting another girl’s number.”

Browne’s girlfriend Nikki Hollis has been displaying increasingly erratic behaviour, such as sometimes talking to him about things he is not that interested in and not liking it when he yawns to indicate his displeasure.

He said: “I think I’ll have to dump her. I’m just not ready to be tied down to some mad woman who expects me to enjoy her company when she never talks about stuff like football or other girls’ tits.”