A SPINELESS turncoat does not have a furious opinion on whether the Elgin Marbles should be returned to Greece, it has emerged.
Cowardly traitor Tom Booker is refusing to pledge his allegiance to either side of the latest culture war row, and is instead focusing on news like the Israel-Hamas conflict that actually matters.
He said: “Both sides make compelling arguments. But as an average person I’m far from qualified to have an informed opinion on the legality of owning historic artworks.
“It does seem odd that an important piece of Greece’s cultural heritage is in this country. Then again, all countries have collected foreign artefacts during their history, and the British Museum is doing a bang up job of looking after them.
“I seem to annoy everyone with my indifference. Gammons foam at the mouth but I’ve noticed they don’t love the Marbles so much they’ve got a poster of them on their wall. Then lefties go on about imperialism which makes me want to go to sleep.
“Maybe we could all reach a nice compromise. Britain could keep the statues for six months before shipping them off to Athens for the rest of the year. Or am I being too reasonable about the whole thing?”
Friend Martin Bishop said: “Yes he is. I hate level-headed people like Tom who miss the point of a tabloid frenzy. I’d put him in front of a firing squad and blow up the Marbles so no one can have them.”