Seven roles playing arseholes more appropriate for Laurence Fox

LAURENCE Fox has claimed accusations of racism scuppered his chances of being in a Batman film, but maybe he needs to set his sights a little lower. These parts would be ideal.

Willie Weasel

If they remake the Tufty road safety films, Laurence already has the look of a slightly manky weasel down to a tee. Willie failed to check for traffic before crossing the road, and in much the same way Laurence failed to check whether it was a good idea to call people paedos on Twitter. It’s a role he was born to play.

The GoCompare bastard

All actors have to do ‘bread and butter’ work at some point in their careers, and TV adverts can be very lucrative. Laurence has the advantage of already being hated by millions before they even put him in a fat suit and he starts singing a horrible opera tune about car insurance.

Christian Grey

The privileged dipshit with a high opinion of himself from Fifty Shades of Grey is bound to feature in a few more sequels. Laurence has also experimented with dominating women, but unfortunately his belittling comments about journalist Ava Evans just got him sacked. Most of Laurence’s interactions with women are probably as wooden and dysfunctional as Christian’s too, fond as he is of issuing pompous warnings like ‘the feminisation of men is a cancer on society’.

Stormtrooper #14

Disney is making more rubbish Star Wars shows, so they’ll always need anonymous stormtroopers who can’t hit Ahsoka when she’s three feet away. And due to being based on the Nazis, the Empire and the First Order are both quite right-wing, which fits in neatly with Loz’s political views. And his love of making swastikas (from LGBTQ+ flags, creatively).

Alex Jones

The shouty American conspiracy theorist is surely due for a biopic, and Laurence would already be up to speed with anti-vaxx twaddle and the Great Replacement theory. He’d have to make it clear it’s Alex Jones the moral vacuum, not Alex Jones the nice One Show presenter, as playing a woman would make his Twitter followers think he’d turned trans due to George Soros putting chemtrails in the water.

Andrew Tate

Brave freedom of speech advocate Tate was imprisoned for speaking the truth about The Matrix (your interpretation of events may vary) so who better to portray his Mandela-like struggle than Fox, who is constantly being cancelled, according to himself? This could actually be an entertainingly deranged streaming drama and make up for Laurence not getting a part in Succession, which the egotistical uber-twat believes he was up for. Sorry, did we say ‘egotistical uber-twat’? That’s really mean. Still, freedom of speech, eh, Laurence?

Jar Jar Binks

Haters would argue that Jar Jar wasn’t the most popular character in the history of cinema, but he’s a lot more popular than Laurence at the moment. Playing the terminally annoying Gungan frog-thing could be a smart career move if some of Jar Jar’s popularity rubs off on Loz.

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Five celebrities it will be weird to see as D-listers in 20 years

FAME is a fickle mistress, with even the biggest names quickly becoming non-entities. Expect to be weirded out when these ones inevitably become D-listers.

Taylor Swift

Impossible, you splutter. Taylor Swift is single handedly carrying the music industry and is the soundtrack for generations of women and their long-suffering boyfriends. Well, David Bowie was a big deal but even he had a rough patch and ended up appearing on shows like TFI Friday for attention, so it could happen. Expect to see her on Bake Off one day. Regular, not celebrity.

The Rock

The demise of the Rock would be surprising seeing as he appears to be in every other movie being cranked out at the moment. But what’s more odd is that he’s famous in the first place. He’s not really an actor and he’s no longer a wrestler, so why is he a celebrity anyway? Oh yeah, he’s intimidatingly hench.

Jennifer Lawrence

Hollywood’s favourite goofy pick-me girl is riding high at the moment, but who knows what the next two decades will bring. All it takes is a few box office bombs and she could end up as a last-minute booking on QI, desperately trying to win over the other panellists with tales of her former glory.


Beloved by Generation Z, mostly unknown by people who can remember dial up internet, MrBeast is the world’s number one YouTuber. But if the likes of Fred and Ray William Johnson are anything to go by, even the platform’s biggest content creators have an expiry date. Or at least you hope so, because you’re deeply jealous of Mr Beast for making billions out of stupid videos.

Tom Cruise

It seems unthinkable. But just as stars die and the pyramids are slowly crumbling into ruins, even a celebrity like Tom Cruise will eventually fall down the tiers of fame. By 2043 he’ll be an obscure answer in a pub quiz, and the Mission: Impossible films will look laughably outdated. Top Gun: Maverick will still be amazing though, that movie’s a timeless classic.