LAURENCE Fox has claimed accusations of racism scuppered his chances of being in a Batman film, but maybe he needs to set his sights a little lower. These parts would be ideal.
Willie Weasel
If they remake the Tufty road safety films, Laurence already has the look of a slightly manky weasel down to a tee. Willie failed to check for traffic before crossing the road, and in much the same way Laurence failed to check whether it was a good idea to call people paedos on Twitter. It’s a role he was born to play.
The GoCompare bastard
All actors have to do ‘bread and butter’ work at some point in their careers, and TV adverts can be very lucrative. Laurence has the advantage of already being hated by millions before they even put him in a fat suit and he starts singing a horrible opera tune about car insurance.
Christian Grey
The privileged dipshit with a high opinion of himself from Fifty Shades of Grey is bound to feature in a few more sequels. Laurence has also experimented with dominating women, but unfortunately his belittling comments about journalist Ava Evans just got him sacked. Most of Laurence’s interactions with women are probably as wooden and dysfunctional as Christian’s too, fond as he is of issuing pompous warnings like ‘the feminisation of men is a cancer on society’.
Stormtrooper #14
Disney is making more rubbish Star Wars shows, so they’ll always need anonymous stormtroopers who can’t hit Ahsoka when she’s three feet away. And due to being based on the Nazis, the Empire and the First Order are both quite right-wing, which fits in neatly with Loz’s political views. And his love of making swastikas (from LGBTQ+ flags, creatively).
Alex Jones
The shouty American conspiracy theorist is surely due for a biopic, and Laurence would already be up to speed with anti-vaxx twaddle and the Great Replacement theory. He’d have to make it clear it’s Alex Jones the moral vacuum, not Alex Jones the nice One Show presenter, as playing a woman would make his Twitter followers think he’d turned trans due to George Soros putting chemtrails in the water.
Andrew Tate
Brave freedom of speech advocate Tate was imprisoned for speaking the truth about The Matrix (your interpretation of events may vary) so who better to portray his Mandela-like struggle than Fox, who is constantly being cancelled, according to himself? This could actually be an entertainingly deranged streaming drama and make up for Laurence not getting a part in Succession, which the egotistical uber-twat believes he was up for. Sorry, did we say ‘egotistical uber-twat’? That’s really mean. Still, freedom of speech, eh, Laurence?
Jar Jar Binks
Haters would argue that Jar Jar wasn’t the most popular character in the history of cinema, but he’s a lot more popular than Laurence at the moment. Playing the terminally annoying Gungan frog-thing could be a smart career move if some of Jar Jar’s popularity rubs off on Loz.
