Trump bored now

DONALD Trump is bored of politics and wants to do something else now.

The 70-year-old president-elect spent almost 20 minutes pretending to listen to a security briefing from the CIA, before telling the US Army to build a golf course on the moon.

He said: “I get it, I’m the boss. Sure, Congress, whatever. But when do I get an eagle to perch on my arm? 

“Anyway, I want to create the most beautiful golf course the moon has ever seen. Beautiful, just beautiful. You won’t believe it.”

Drumming his fingers on his desk, he added: “Okay, what else? Can I pass a law today? Maybe annex some territory?

“Hey, imagine how impressed Putin would be if I defeated Isis this afternoon.

“Let’s do that. Yeah, we’re going to do that. We are going to do that.” 


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Trump swept to victory by fans of poor quality 80s action films

MEN who love the films of Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal are responsible for Trump’s election victory, it has emerged.

An unusually high voter turnout among people whose favourite films are Missing in Action, Death Wish 2 or Lone Wolf McQuade is believed to have sealed America’s fate.

Trump voter Wayne Hayes said: “I believe masculine 80s action films, featuring a foreign baddie and one sex scene shot in silhouette, are the pinnacle of cinema and a template for how to live.

“I particularly like it if they have a paranoid theme, like Invasion USA. I’ve even written a script called Blood Hunter II: Midnight Revenge Attack about a former POW killing gang members with his metal hand.

“He has a dog called Maverick that wears an eye patch.”

He added: “They should show Under Siege in schools, because if you’re a chef on a big boat and it’s attacked by terrorists, you need to be able to save the sexy woman.”