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Trump election campaign confident of victory after portents of doom strike America

DONALD Trump’s campaign team say they are confident in their chances of electoral success as an earthquake and solar eclipse foreshadow great evil coming to the US.

After New York was shaken by tremors on Friday and the sun will turn black over great swathes of America today, the Republican nominee’s team have confirmed that these Biblical portents are a clearer sign of upcoming victory than any opinion poll.

A campaign spokesman said: “Our next milestone is the plague of locusts we’re anticipating around June, and if we have a rain of blood and hail by mid-August, we’ll know our team is winning round swing voters on the doorstep.

“Then we’ll be looking out for great cracks in the earth belching forth fire and brimstone, and hopefully some kind of hideous beast rising from the boiling sea, like Godzilla. People will really get on board with that because they’ve seen it at the movies.

“And if a star falls from the heavens and poisons the waters of the earth by the time of the second presidential debate, then there’ll be no doubt. We’ll be expecting a landslide on election day. Literally. San Francisco will be in the sea by lunchtime.”

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Your astrological week ahead for April 6th, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

You know a shuttle bus is smaller than a regular bus and has a limited range of movement, just going boringly back and forth? Well, this is a shuttle cock.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are upskirting the stars.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Side hustle: Turn your flat into a fully functioning branch of Costa Coffee, ideally on a station concourse.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

It’s great that the younger generation are rediscovering the joy of big boobs. Now you’ve got something to talk about with them, at bus stops.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

You hate the taste of mint humbugs, but you eat them because they look like baby tapirs. And those fuckers should know their place.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

There are increasingly few D-Day veterans left. We actually lost most of them in one go.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Fingers crossed the pub quiz has a round where you have to identify types of bean from a picture, because that’s what you’ve been boning up instead of doing that project for your boss.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

Google has just called you racist for trying to find out where Pingu is ‘from from’.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

This week, you’ll be disappointed when you take off your glasses and it turns out you weren’t secretly beautiful all along.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

“Yeah? Well, your dad’s vape is Pulled Pork flavour.”

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Getting CCed in someone else’s email bollocking is the adult equivalent of when you visited your friend’s house and their parents properly told them off.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

“Okay, school, now this is very serious. John F Kennedy was assassinated on November 22nd, 1963, and I’m going to keep everyone in detention until we find out who did it.”

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