Trump election campaign confident of victory after portents of doom strike America

DONALD Trump’s campaign team say they are confident in their chances of electoral success as an earthquake and solar eclipse foreshadow great evil coming to the US.

After New York was shaken by tremors on Friday and the sun will turn black over great swathes of America today, the Republican nominee’s team have confirmed that these Biblical portents are a clearer sign of upcoming victory than any opinion poll.

A campaign spokesman said: “Our next milestone is the plague of locusts we’re anticipating around June, and if we have a rain of blood and hail by mid-August, we’ll know our team is winning round swing voters on the doorstep.

“Then we’ll be looking out for great cracks in the earth belching forth fire and brimstone, and hopefully some kind of hideous beast rising from the boiling sea, like Godzilla. People will really get on board with that because they’ve seen it at the movies.

“And if a star falls from the heavens and poisons the waters of the earth by the time of the second presidential debate, then there’ll be no doubt. We’ll be expecting a landslide on election day. Literally. San Francisco will be in the sea by lunchtime.”

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Couple conceive second child as long-term investment to stop first one hassling them

A COUPLE are having a second child because they are already bored rigid of having to play with their first one, they have confirmed. 

Stephen and Donna Malley have decided to subject themselves to the short-term ordeal of a second baby in the hope it will pay off two years down the line by keeping their existing son busy.

Donna said: “It’s high-risk, but we’ve got to take the gamble. A single afternoon pretending clothes pegs could talk and were a family established that.

“We’re investing the time and the money to raise what at this point we’re terming ‘Child 2.0’ because we believe it will occupy our existing asset. The theory is once the second one is old enough the first one will take to it and the rearing process becomes self-sustaining.

“That in turn frees myself and Steve up for our preferred leisure activities, binging Married At First Sight Australia and watching strangers bet big money on blackjack hands on Instagram, respectively. So there is a pay-off.”

Stephen agreed: “The next two to three years will be a f**king nightmare, but by late 2026 we’ll have a ready-made playmate for the child we already have and she’ll have someone to take part in eleborate reconstructions of scenes from Bluey.

“Do we regret having even one child? God no. Have you seen the cost of end-of-life care? With these two, we’re defraying those expenses against a promise of an inheritance which may never happen. It’s good-sense financial planning.”