Trump extends ban to anyone who doesn't like Bryan Adams

PEOPLE who do not appreciate the music of Bryan Adams are banned from entering the United States, Donald Trump has confirmed.

Following a controversial travel ban on travellers from predominantly Muslim countries, Trump announced that anyone wishing to enter America must also demonstrate genuine enthusiasm for Bryan Adams’s catchy pop-rock.

He said: “I Do It for You, from the Prince of Thieves soundtrack and also featured on Adams’s seminal 1991 album Waking Up the Neighbours, is the pinnacle of human culture.

“I sing it to myself in the mirror every morning while exfoliating, which was when I realised that anyone who can’t quote a verse from this masterwork is not fully human.”

Thousands are currently in holding pens after failing the ‘Adams Test’ which includes questions on the Canadian singer’s hits including Run to You and When You’re Gone.

Mary Fisher, from Liverpool, said: “They asked me what year Summer of ’69 was realised and I said ‘1969’ just because it seemed logical. Then then showed me pictures of two men and asked which one was Bryan Adams and which was Kevin Bacon.

“Now we are in a room with no windows.”

Despite international condemnation, Trump insists that the ban will remain and added that he also takes a very dim view of people who haven’t seen the Jean-Claude Van Damme film Kickboxer.



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People over 30 can still remember when Facebook was even vaguely interesting

PEOPLE over 30 can still remember when Facebook was not something you constantly want to escape because it is shit.

Thirty-something, Tom Logan said: “Don’t get me wrong. It used to be fun. Sharing jokes with friends, putting up songs that people might not have heard, stuff like that.

“Now it’s just a constant stream of bad news and self-censorship as you don’t want to put up anything too controversial as you could lose your job or confuse your uncle.”

He added: “Why can’t we just go back to MySpace and all dream about there one day being a black President and a functioning Labour Party?”

Eighteen year old Wayne Hayes added, “Facebook’s great. It’s like being in your own soap opera. And because I’m young and stupid that really appeals to me.”

Meanwhile 60-year-old, Mary Fisher said, “Oh I love Facebook. I don’t even have to watch the news any more as I’ve already picked the news I want and what could possibly be wrong with doing that?”