Trump mugshot can read your mind

THE mugshot of Donald Trump is capable of reading your innermost thoughts, it has been confirmed.

Due to mysterious occult forces, the glowering mugshot of the ex-president can hear your thoughts clearly and is most displeased with what you are thinking.

A Fulton County Jail spokesperson said: “I knew something was up when we took his picture. As the flash went off a demonic howl was heard and the camera exploded. Which doesn’t usually happen.

“It all made sense when we saw the photo though. Just look at those eyes boring into your soul. Those are eyes that have strayed too far from God’s light and can peer into the darkest corners of your mind.

“Your precious childhood memories, those thoughts you only share with your mates down the pub after a couple of pints, the Donald can see them all. So watch out because he could easily put you on blast on Truth Social.”

Mugshot viewer Martin Bishop said: “Whenever I look at Trump’s mugshot I feel a strange rummaging sensation behind my eyes and hear his voice whispering in my head. It’s as if some malevolent being is rifling through my brain without my consent. It’s not nice.

“I’ve found that if I look away and think of Trump Tower on fire or Obama then it flees in terror. 

“Luckily the photo isn’t a two-way portal. I’d dread to get a glimpse into his psyche, assuming he’s got one.”

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He thinks he looks hard

FORMER president Trump believes he looks resolute and powerful in his mugshot, not like a petty, resentful pensioner claiming to have been short-changed on the bus.

The 77-year-old genuinely believes that glaring at the camera conveys his implacable fury at the terrible injustice he is suffering, rather than the indignation of a grandfather whose grandson has just taken the last bourbon cream.

Joe Turner said: “I’ve turned around in Asda and seen this guy staring at me like that because I got between him and the white muffins.

“He thinks he looks tough? He looks like the morning after the first time a woman told him his impotence is his own fault and a big deal, and he’s going around outraged telling the whole bowls club.

“That’s the expression of a man who’s once again watching next door’s cat shit on his bedding plants. Or a poster advising you to get your prostate checked.

“Tough? He doesn’t look in the least tough. That stern look is where his retribution begins and ends. You could tell him to go f**k himself right up to his face and he’d just do the look again.”

Trump said: “Once they see that, they’ll drop the charges. It’ll be the fastest charges were ever dropped, believe me.”