Trump smiles, waves and starts rounding up enemies

A SMILING president-elect Donald Trump has instructed aides to ‘get them’.

The 45th president of the United States grinned and waved at cheering supporters as he whispered the simple instruction into a henchman’s ear.

An onlooker said: “It wasn’t clear who ‘they’ are but I think we can assume it’s people with whom Donald is not on the best of terms, or whose features are not ideally suited to modern America.

“And it’s too early to say why they were being ‘got’. Perhaps they were being taken to a nice celebration party with free massive cookies for all, or maybe something a tad more sinister.

“I think he also mentioned ‘get the witch first’ but it was hard to hear over all the cheering.

“These really are interesting times.”

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Being an utter cock no barrier to success

THERE is no ‘glass ceiling’ for utter cocks any more, it has been confirmed.

Donald Trump’s election success has been hailed as a victory by the cock, arsehole and bellend communities, who have for centuries struggled to gain acceptance in mainstream society.

Total cock Roy Hobbs said: “Farage gave us hope, Trump has given us freedom. No longer will being an utter penis be frowned upon.

“I can polish the ‘No Turning’ sign at the end of my driveway with pride, and drive my white 2011 BMW 7 Series right up anyone’s arse without fear of reproach.

“The world told me I was wrong. But I was right, or rather if I was wrong it doesn’t matter any more.

“I am an utter cock, hear my cry.”