Thing that proves it’s all a horrible dream 'must surely happen soon'

PEOPLE are hoping for a clear sign that they are in a dream such as being able to fly or copping off with a celebrity, they have revealed.

The US election result has convinced many Britons they are dreaming but something even more bizarre and implausible will happen soon and make them wake up.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “Trump’s the president apparently, so I expect some proper dream weirdness will happen soon, like being chased through Asda by a cyberman.

“It’s an odd dream though because I’m at work and it’s all very detailed, almost like real life. Still, at least I’m not naked or I’ve got some stressful task to do that’s really illogical.

“I’m sure any minute now I’ll be able to laugh at this whole Trump business when Holly Willoughby turns up and takes me for a sexy ride in her helicopter.”

Accountant Donna Sheridan said: “This is a long dream but nothing totally incongruous has happened yet like taking my childhood dog to get his nails clipped by Coldplay’s Chris Martin.

“Trump can’t have won the election though because that’s insane. Frankly I’ll feel better if it turns into a proper nightmare where I’m being made to re-sit my A-levels by a witch.

“He hasn’t won, has he? Maybe I should wait a bit before going for a fly out of the window.”

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Relieved Britain no longer biggest f**k-up of 2016

BRITAIN has woken up relieved to find its idiotic act of self-harm earlier this year is now a piffling historical footnote. 

Across the UK, Britons are secretly delighted that when the great disasters of 2016 are remembered, Brexit will be completely overshadowed by America’s embrace of fascism.

Mary Fisher, from Croydon, said: “Wow. Like obviously bad for them, but what a total save for us.

“We’re the person who’s sick in the garden early on at the party, spends an hour thinking they’re an embarrassment, and then someone vomits explosively all over the leather couch and the new carpet.

“Brexit’s nothing now. All we’ve done is get out of the EU before their decade-long war with Russia.”

Historian Dr Helen Archer said: “For months we’ve been the world’s dumbest dickheads, and now we’re actually if anything a useful marker on the road to the total collapse of liberal democracy.

“I mean end of the world, obviously, but every cloud.”