YOU’RE probably not overly excited about today’s local elections. But that’s because you’re not a hardcore Reform voter. Here’s what they’re imagining.
Reform should be in charge of Britain now
To a normal person, winning a lot of council seats is not the same as winning a general election. But as we saw with Brexit, most UKIP/Reform voters have no problem with living in a horribly misinformed fantasy world. So if Reform does well today, then Farage should obviously replace Starmer, even if it’s clearly a bad idea to have a prime minister who’s such a grifter he’s in danger of developing padded handlebars.
We’re a step closer to the 1950s
Reform voters love the 1950s, and ‘winning’ the local elections might help turn the clock back. It’s hard to know if they’re just nostalgic morons who think having ‘proper binmen’ and no wheelie bins made life appreciably better or if it’s just about the racism and wanting a white monoculture. Either way they’ll be thrilled at the possibility of living in an era where people crossed the street to avoid unmarried mothers and if you wanted to buy some cheese on a Sunday you could f**k off.
The end of woke
New Reform UK councillors are in for a letdown when they realise their role is more about pothole repair budgets than eradicating the cancer of woke. However as members of local councils they’ll be able to bang on about barring transgender people from toilets, and indeed lurk around the town hall bogs looking for trans women, which normally keeps transphobes happy.
A return to free speech
Gammons are obsessed with free speech, despite not understanding it and in particular not grasping that some restrictions will always be necessary. So that won’t change, and idiots will still be getting an unwelcome visit from the cops for posting hate speech on X whether Reform wins a load of seats on Cornwall Council or not.
We can teach proper British history
Reform voters hate lefties slagging off the British Empire and suggesting that our grateful subjects somehow did not enjoy events like the Amritsar Massacre. But however much they may be dreaming of changing the history curriculum, councillors do not get any say in that. Which is fortunate because Reform types only know a simplistic version of WW2 and that St George killed a dragon. Although kids would love it because GCSE history would be piss-easy.
The mass deportations will begin
Local council gains obviously won’t achieve the mass removal of immigrants Reform voters want, but it might encourage Labour, who’ve been crowing about deporting people themselves recently, to be more racist. Which is good news for anyone who thinks the Britains portrayed in V for Vendetta and Children of Men aren’t chilling warnings about the insidious rise of fascism but lovely places to live.
There’ll be riots if they ignore the will of the people
Reform types may as well trot out this Brexit fantasy for old times’ sake. If the liberal elite don’t take note of today’s local election results and kick out the foreigners, then millions of plucky Reform voters will take to the streets. Yes, this will definitely happen, so it’s best not to plan any car journeys today as roads will be blocked with barricades manned by retired couples and people on mobility scooters.
