Trump begins wall that will ironically save Mexico

THE construction of a 2,000-mile long border wall that will ensure Mexico survives the total implosion of America begins today. 

The wall will be completed by 2020, just as Donald Trump loses an election because of photographs showing him having sex with a hatchback car.

During the following civil war, police in Judge Dredd-type uniforms will turn on rioters and millions of Americans will flee their hurricane-stricken country.

Enrique Pena, president of Mexico, said: “The whole of Latin America will be spared from blighted GM crops, from the spread of militarised smallpox, from flooding and from raging firestorms by this wall, and it’s all thanks to Trump.

“Quite a third-act twist. But we’re still not fucking paying for it.” 

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

London now literally toxic as well as metaphorically

LONDON is now smothering its residents literally as well as metaphorically. 

As pollution in the capital continues to spiral, Londoners said it made a refreshing change to be poisoned physically instead of just spiritually.

Tom Booker said: “I’ve been saying for years that London is killing me, so it’s nice to know that it actually is.

“If anything, the toxic clouds just make London cooler, it’s kind of edgy and not just a consumerist nightmare full of drab chain bars.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “London was never supposed to be inhabited and it has been trying to tell us that for centuries.

“It seems that the Great Fire, the plague, £6 pints and tube trains packed full of pushy, sweaty commuters hasn’t managed to put people off, so it is now trying to gas us.

“Next there will be a plague of locusts, then a river of blood, and we’ll see if people still want to buy £400,000 houses in Hackney after that.”