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UK to swap Chagos Islands for Piddington

THE UK has drawn up a formal agreement to receive sovereignty over the Chagos Islands in return for giving Mauritius Piddington.

The separatist Oxfordshire village of 350 residents will be handed over to the East African country in exchange for Britain taking sole ownership of Chagos, its military base and its territorial waters.

Foreign secretary Ed Miliband said: “I hate to admit it, Piddington, but you’ve won. Your secession was a total success.

“No longer will you labour under the yoke of Britain, instead being ruled by the kind, beneficent Mauritian government headed by Navin Rangoolam who has big plans for your village, namely some manner of export centre.

“From now on, asylum seekers landing on British shores will not be your problem. You’ve fixed that with your principled vote you insisted wasn’t in the least racist, a principle you now have ample opportunity to be tested on.

“And the Chagos Islands will remain as British as a Union Jack bowler hat on a bulldog smoking a cigar and drinking a pint. It’s win-win.”

He added: “We’ve sent a team out to secure our border with you as we speak. It will be very, very secure.”

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TV review: I want to keep Nigella in a case like a beautiful butterfly

The Great British Bake Off, Channel 4, reviewed by Tom Logan

YES, there have been other effusive reviews of Nigella on Bake Off. But after seeing her captivate viewers with her beauty, wisdom and wit, I have decided she must be mine.

All the ingredients we’ve come to expect – warmth, drama, ambitious creations – were there, but the icing on the cake was Nigella, flitting between contestants like a rare and beautiful butterfly. A butterfly you could own and keep if you subdued it with chloroform, but back to the show.

Nigella was unbelievably wonderful. ‘Cakes that you have to un-mould can be very stressful,’ she said, with the wisdom and humility of Jesus, but better. It was a great start to the new series, filmed in the idyllic grounds of Welford Park, surrounded by quiet country lanes ideal for inconspicuously parking a van.

But despite the praise rightly heaped on Nigella, I feel that no one could ever love her as much as me. Do they know about her passion for pickled vegetables? Or Colman’s mustard? Or double-buttered toast? I doubt it. Although to be honest I think the toast thing might be bollocks and they just put it in because they were running out of ideas. 

After the show it was even clearer to me that I must have her. When Nigella told the contestants ‘Don’t let the sugar shout, let it sing’ in a weird, uncomfortable way, I knew this was the woman I wanted to be with forever, kept at the right humidity.

But how will we be together? Her agent has blocked my number. Channel 4 refuses to forward my marriage proposals. I will have to be bold to win her heart. I’ve noticed through my binoculars she sometimes goes for a walk in the woods during breaks in filming, often with Noel Fielding. But he would be easy to kill.

And so that is my entirely normal review of The Great British Bake Off, back in our living rooms and everything fans of the show could have hoped for. Keep up the good work, Nigella. Your glass case is waiting.

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