US Chief Justice Missing

JOHN Roberts, the Chief Justice of the US Supreme Court, was missing last night after ruining Barack Obama’s inauguration.

Friends of Roberts say he is most likely holed-up in a log cabin somewhere in the Pacific North West drinking himself into an angry, shame-filled stupor.  

Fellow Supreme Court Justice, Samuel Alito, said: “What a mess. What an absolute fucking mess.

“We went over it with him again and again. Justice Kennedy was rubbing his shoulders while Justice Thomas threw some really tough questions at him. He was primed.

“All he had to say was, ‘repeat after me, I Barack Hussein Obama do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States’.

“But instead he comes out with ‘to president execute faithfully offices’. What does that even mean?”

Justice Alito added: “He’s furious with the President. He interrupted him straight out of the blocks and then, when John fucks it up, Obama just stands there grinning at him as if to say ‘hey everybody, check out this stupid white Republican’.

“He’s supposed to be the smartest guy in the country and he comes over like Forrest Gump. No-one’s going to take us seriously anymore.

“I’m thinking of resigning, Justice Kennedy had to be talked off a window ledge last night and as for John, if I know him he’ll be well into his fifth bottle of Wild Turkey, sitting naked in a rocking chair and swearing at the trees.”

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Women Hard-Wired For Cake

WOMEN'S brains are hard-wired for cake, new research shows.

Researchers put two dozen hungry men and women in a room with a plate of chocolate eclairs, separating them from the cakes with screens made of specially toughened glass.

While all the men were happy to wait until the screen was removed, the women immediately threw themselves violently against the glass until it began to crack.

Within 20 minutes half the women had bashed themselves unconscious while the other half suffered severe lacerations to their forearms but did secure the eclairs.

Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Scans of the male brains showed far less cake-based activity.

"But in the females, all the measurable activity in the brains we were still able to scan appeared to be linked to the desire for cake."

He added: "These women were not dashing themselves against the glass in a conscious effort to get cake, they simply had no choice."

Brubaker admitted the experiment had not uncovered the complex mechanisms which control how much cake women can eat, but it did confirm that the word 'cake' is written through their brains like a stick of rock.

He said: "If you're ever in a café and you accidentally move between a woman and a profiterole you should drop to the floor, curl up in a tight ball and lie perfectly still.

"It won't save you, but at least there might be some bits left to put in a coffin."