Welcome to the Brexit: a Dutch border guard tours you around the new Britain

GOEDEMORGEN, I am Geert and I have been sent to welcome you to the Brexit you have for yourselves. Please put your ham in the bin and follow. 

So the EU, yes? This is the large continent over there? Has the rules like one country. Britain? You are this small island here, off the coast of a big country, like Cuba with the old cars?

With Ireland behind you but that is EU so like a pincer movement. Northern Ireland? I do not think there is that any more.

Your sandwiches and other beige-to-white foodstuffs is I regret not so allowed now. You insisted on it in the deal. I’m sorry, the war? What does the war have involvement?

This area here is the Kent lorry area, where we line up the lorries. All will be Tarmaced by next year. Here is where London was, no, forgive me, still is. Just all the finances have gone.

To the North there is the Red Wall, where we Dutch have much dealings with the zwarte markt. Ganja goes in, people come out, in small dinghies risking all for a better life. Yes, you fought the Nazis. As did we.

Further North we have the EU protectorate of Scotland, back with us shortly. Not so fond of the Brexit there, hey? It will be pleasure to have them.

Okay, please strip, there are reports of Marmite smugglers. You have a valid visa? I am afraid we must put the pet to sleep. Okay, please, why are you saying the war again? Are you delusional? Please to stop.