Welcome to the Brexit: a Dutch border guard tours you around the new Britain

GOEDEMORGEN, I am Geert and I have been sent to welcome you to the Brexit you have for yourselves. Please put your ham in the bin and follow. 

So the EU, yes? This is the large continent over there? Has the rules like one country. Britain? You are this small island here, off the coast of a big country, like Cuba with the old cars?

With Ireland behind you but that is EU so like a pincer movement. Northern Ireland? I do not think there is that any more.

Your sandwiches and other beige-to-white foodstuffs is I regret not so allowed now. You insisted on it in the deal. I’m sorry, the war? What does the war have involvement?

This area here is the Kent lorry area, where we line up the lorries. All will be Tarmaced by next year. Here is where London was, no, forgive me, still is. Just all the finances have gone.

To the North there is the Red Wall, where we Dutch have much dealings with the zwarte markt. Ganja goes in, people come out, in small dinghies risking all for a better life. Yes, you fought the Nazis. As did we.

Further North we have the EU protectorate of Scotland, back with us shortly. Not so fond of the Brexit there, hey? It will be pleasure to have them.

Okay, please strip, there are reports of Marmite smugglers. You have a valid visa? I am afraid we must put the pet to sleep. Okay, please, why are you saying the war again? Are you delusional? Please to stop.

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BBC put on Detention Afternoon for misbehaving little bastards

THE BBC is to ensure the nation’s homeschooled children are disciplined with the launch of free multi-platform punishment content in the afternoons.

Complementing the BBC Bitesize educational programming in the mornings, BBC Detention is an afternoon of relentlessly dull content to penalise children who have behaved badly.

A CBBC spokesman said: “It’s all age-appropriate, from the series Toys You’re Definitely Not Getting After What You Did for primary pupils to Depeche Mode With Dad!, an embarrassing dance workout to torment rebellious teens.

“There’s Classic Detention, an hour of sitting in a desk with the sound of an interesting fight outside you’re not allowed to watch, or Long Silent Car Journeys, filmed from the back seat while driving from Portsmouth to Inverness.

“You’ll Never Have Mates explains why you’re unpopular with everyone, and bedtime stories come from James Corden, Michael Owen and Priti Patel, each reading from a Haynes car repair manual.

“You can trust the BBC not only to educate your kids, but to stamp down on naughty behaviour bloody hard. That’s why you pay your licence fee.”

Mother-of-two Francesca Johnson said: “That’s all very well, but I still regret not just stopping after we’d got a cat.”