Why fresh food is bad for you: a Brexiter explains

SUPERMARKETS are suffering fresh food shortages. So that’s another benefit of Brexit. Leave voter Steve Malley explains the dangers of fresh fruit and veg.

You could stab yourself

Opening a tin? Safe. But unlike baked beans or Big Soup, fresh vegetables frequently need to be cut up. One slip slicing a carrot and you’ve put a knife through a major artery. In your panic you might then trip and stab yourself in the brain. Is it worth it just to eat a la-di-da courgette?

You’re exposing yourself to deadly acid

Fruit is rammed with dangerous citric acid. That can’t be safe. Remainers might complain about not being able to get fresh grapefruit, but should you listen to these idiots when they’re pretty much taking a swig from a car battery?

We didn’t evolve to eat salad

Humans only evolved hands to carry spears. That’s science. If we’d been intended to eat plants and grass we’d have hooves and be covered in wool like sheep. That’s not just my opinion, it’s the view of a great British hero you might have heard of – Charles Darwin.

Weakness, fainting and coma

Fruit and vegetables contain almost no nutrients compared to superfoods like sausages. If there’s more than a couple a week in your diet, you’ll gradually grow weaker and your teeth will fall out before you faint and slip into a coma. That’s your choice, but I have to be more responsible because I’m an HGV driver.

They’re a choking hazard

There’s no danger of choking on traditional British foods like beef broth and Angel Delight. By contrast, look at the tough, leathery skin of a pear or grape. You may as well be eating a bag of washers.

Food hygiene

You don’t get more hygienic than fresh out of the tin. However fresh fruit and veg is grown in fields where mice and birds can shit on them. You wouldn’t get a seagull to crap on your bacon sandwich, so why take the risk with fruit and veg? We’re better off without.

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Man enraged by gay Creme Egg ad begins quest for more heterosexual chocolate egg

A MAN enraged by an advert for Creme Eggs with two men kissing has embarked on a mission to find a chocolate egg that better represents his steadfast heterosexuality. 

Nathan Muir of Sheffield believes there must be an ovoid seasonal confectionary which, like him, just fancies women and does not think there is anything wrong with that.

He said: “I’ve got nothing against the gays, but I don’t think I could enjoy a Creme Egg anymore. Not now.

“Before I was on them from January onwards every year. But I’d worry about how it looks. I’m totally comfortable with my sexuality, but I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea.

“That’s why I’ve set out to find a proper heterosexual egg for straight men like me who appreciate things like birds, National League football and a few pints. Why shouldn’t we enjoy Easter same as them?

“I put a few calls in to the confectionery companies, asking which was their least gay egg, but nobody’s called back yet. Mini Eggs seem a bit dainty, Caramel eggs are gooey, the Galaxy eggs are rose gold and the Yorkie egg with the truck box isn’t out.

“There’s literally nowhere for a straight bloke who wants an Easter egg to turn. Except those tempting Creme Eggs that I can’t stop thinking about.”