Friday, 23rd April 2021

Piers Morgan's guide to fleeing a sinking ship

READY to put some distance between yourself and the shitstorm you enabled? Let me Piers Morgan, the irritant in Susanna Reid’s peripheral vision, tell you how: 

Apologise for your own naivety

It’s always good to non-apologise by stressing your own good qualities. You were trusting, you believed the best of people, you were let down; all delivered with the faux contrition of a schoolkid caught watching Babestation. How were you to know there would be icebergs when you encouraged the captain to go at full speed?

Stress your personal dilemma

What kind of monster would you be if you turned your back on a friend? An old friend from Celebrity Apprentice season one in 2008? Even though you knew full well that he was mental, not remotely up to the job, and would gleefully invite disaster so he could wear the captain’s hat?

Fight back hard

Now you’ve changed your mind nobody’s harder on your old pal, who you once grovelled to and gave a personalised Arsenal shirt, than you. He should never have been allowed to steer the ship. You cannot believe the ship is sinking. Everyone should listen as you guide them to the lifeboats.

Give the bad thing you supported a mean nickname

Ignore the fact that Trump the Terrible is the kind of moronic name he gives people on Twitter, which he loved just like you do, because you’re similar on some fundamental level and you’d probably incite nutjobs to storm Good Morning Britain if you were fired. The ship is sinking! Quick!

Start ripping into something new

Once safely fleeing the scene, create a diversion by ferociously debating other hot button issues. Look everyone, Meghan and Harry have got a fancier lifeboat than you! That woke bitch, who was right about Trump all along, is where we should direct our rage now! And she’s probably vegan.