THE UK’s ambassador to the USA is going to be fired for not lying about how great Donald Trump is, but who will replace him?
Anti-immigration activist, serial criminal and irony-free zone Stephen Yaxley-Lennon has already asked Trump to grant him asylum in America so he’s halfway there already. However it is feared Ivanka Trump may not react well to being aggressively asked if she is West Ham or Milwall.
Donald Trump’s favourite intimate crevice cleaner has already demonstrated that if forced to choose country or being allowed to sit next to someone powerful, his country can go f*ck itself. But, hard though it is to believe, he is actually more of a failure in America than here.
With his uncanny knack for taking the wrong job at the wrong time, Boris is about to be made prime minister when this soft option, ideally suited to his talents for attending parties and shagging around, came up. The tw*t must be kicking himself.
He’s no use here, the Americans are stupid enough to be impressed with him, and he does bugger all but play golf all day. Frankly it’s win-win.
Wee Jimmy Krankie
Like many racist Americans Trump claims to be Scottish because Germans are too Nazi, the French too fancy and Scandinavians too socialist. Sending a septugenarian Scottish pantomime performer – who isn’t a shitbag – who is a woman dressed as a schoolboy might be the final straw and break his ailing brain.