FRANCE, Ireland, Scotland – if you’re next door to England you hate the English. But what’s causing this bizarre phenomenon? Wayne Hayes investigates:
As winners of the greatest prize on Earth simply by virtue of our birth, we English know we’re lucky. And, generously, we share that gift with the world.
We blessed France with a tunnel. Ireland has profited from centuries of our steadfast companionship. And we’ve been kind enough to allow Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland to join us as one nation despite their inferiority.
But still our neighbours carp and whine. Why? Well, to get the obvious out of the way, they’re jealous. They see our shining wonder, realise they can never live up to the country that invented the television and penicillin, and can’t take it.
Second, of course, is that we won the war twice. This is why the French are being so awkward about English soliders patrolling their coastlines. It reminds them of how weak they are.
And third, we’re so well-loved around the world. Whether you go to Australia, India or Kenya, mention England and you’ll hear nothing but outpourings of love for our monarchy, our humility and our sense of fair play.
Meanwhile the feckless Irish, the bitter, drunk Scots and the gloomy Welsh have barely even managed to run their own countries. It really is pathetic how they project their inadequacy onto us.
So that’s why we’re so ill-liked: paradoxically, because we’re brilliant and all our neighbours are useless, resentful twats. And if they can just accept that I believe we can all move forward in a spirit of honest harmony.
If not? Well, we’re England. We’ll kick the shit out of them.