World 'on the brink' of Trump dick pic

EXPERTS have warned that the world is within a single provocation of being hit by a tweeted dick pic from President Trump. 

Following an escalating exchange of penis-based boasts with similarly cock-out leader Kim Jong Un, the UN has raised its Dick Readiness Condition to the highest level of DIKCON One. 

A White House source said: “It could happen tomorrow. Or tonight. 

“All the old advice – stay in your homes, stock up on bottled water – is useless. When he hits the ‘tweet’ button, we have only minutes before it hits everyone. 

“Perhaps there will be a few untouched communities in the remote Scottish Highlands, but what kind of world will they even be left with? Because you know North Korea will retaliate.

“We are closer to seeing a president’s wizened genitalia than we have been since 1962 and the Cuban Missile Crisis. Ask your granddad about that one.” 

When tweeted, the pic will transparently be the penis of someone else and will be provably traced to a specific porn star within minutes, which the president and his staff will simply deny. 

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I've given up masturbating and I feel brilliant!

by Nikki Hollis

I’VE finally taken the plunge and given up masturbating – and I’ve never felt better.

When I woke up feeling tired and washed out, I realised it was time for a new, masturbation-free me.

No more bashing the beaver – I’ve replaced self-pollution with an addiction to CrossFit and a new appreciation for the benefits of houmous and kimchee.

I’ve been pleasuring myself on a regular basis for over three decades now, and cynics might say it’s too late to stop frotting myself off. But the benefits have been shocking and immediate – I’ve got so much energy and my social life is better than ever because I’m not just at home tinkering with my bits.

Now, if I think about wanking, I just have an apple instead. Of course I couldn’t do it without the support of friends and family, many of whom have also given up fiddling with their bits (even if my sister Liz fell off the ‘wank-wagon’ today!).

I’m not trying to boast – I just want to inspire others. With determination and positivity, anyone can stop touching themselves in a sexual manner.

I bet Beyonce wishes she could do it too.