World takes day off to have a good laugh

THE entire planet has sacked today off to have a laugh at Donald Trump’s expense, it has emerged.

The verdicts of guilty on all 34 counts of falsifying business records are so hilarious that an impromptu worldwide holiday is necessary to fully enjoy Trump’s misfortune.

Tom Booker from Liverpool, wiping tears from his eyes, said: “I could have carried on working if one or two verdicts came back as guilty. But all 34? No, that’s just not possible.

“I might’ve been able to keep a straight face if I’d just focused on spreadsheets. But as soon as the conversation went anywhere near the trial we’d be overwhelmed by the hilarity of the pompous orange arsehole getting what he deserves.

“Better to get it out of our systems at home. Sure, the markets will plummet and supply chains will stop delivering food and medicines, but it’ll be worth it. Future generations will look back on our collective glee and say ‘Fair enough.’ They’d have done the same.”

Nikki Hollis from Sydney said: “We all needed this, what with everything else going on in the world. It’s like the moon landing of schadenfreude. I almost feel like I should thank Trump for giving me the biggest, side-splitting laugh of my life.

“If anything I’m worried that a mere 24 hours won’t be long enough to express the joy I’m feeling. Thank Christ we’re heading into the weekend.”

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Seven unpalatable home truths for annoyingly enthusiastic Gen Z voters

MANY Gen Zers will be voting for the first time on 4 July and earnestly droning on about how important it is. Make sure you piss on their youthful enthusiasm with these important facts. 

Politicians don’t give a shit our ancestors died for the vote

Young voters love to parrot things like: ‘People died for the vote. Make sure you use it.’ Actually politicians do not care that your great-grandad stepped on a mine in Normandy, they just want you to elect them. What they’d really love is Labour and the Tories taking it in turns to govern while they develop their property portfolios and do piss-easy interviews with Laura Kuenssberg.

Don’t bother reading the manifestos

Unbelievably, manifestos once contained policies, back in a mysterious period of history known as ‘the 80s’. Since then they’ve just been vapid quasi-management-speak and, if you’re the Tories, outright lies. Almost no manifesto promises aren’t abandoned immediately, and the few that are seen through to semi-completion are crap like Universal Credit. 

Newspapers run the UK

Gen Z can put up as many LGBTQ+ and Palestinian flags as they like on Twitter – actual policy is decided by politicians in meetings with newspaper editors. Obviously the main concerns of News Corp and Daily Mail and General Trust are business taxes, their billionaire owners’ taxes and avoiding grief like the Leveson Inquiry. But they’ve got other political views too, and they decide which politicians get elected and which get booted out. You might recall a prime minister who both of those things happened to – Boris Johnson, way back in 2019 and 2022.


This single issue is all that matters to a huge number of voters. They’d vote for a wanking sock if it was racist. You may be having informed discussions about Labour’s ‘Green Prosperity Plan’, but for many voters a worthwhile political debate is just: ‘Illegal to be white these days. I’m-not-racist-there’s-just-too-many-of-‘em. Muslamic rape gangs. Lee Rigby. End of.’

The Overton window is so small you need a f**king microscope

Credit to Gen Z for caring about big issues like the environment and Palestine. But all British political debate takes place within a microscopic Overton window that ranges from harsh austerity measures to fractionally less harsh austerity measures. Good luck improving public services when everyone screeches with laughter at your naive socialist utopia where you repair schools.

Many of your fellow voters are too stupid to vote 

Look at Lee and Pippa, the foodbank users who went viral this week for their baffling love of the Tories. ‘He’s been there through Covid, he’s been there through everyfink for us,’ gushed Pippa, referring to RISHI F**KING SUNAK. Add together all the voters who’ve never heard of John Major or are similarly dense, and you’ve got a small but significant bloc of absolute morons who’d vote for anyone who promised them more bouncy castles.

Voting is basically just putting down a very sick dog 

After a couple of decades of voting in general elections you’ll realise you’re not improving society, you’re just finishing off a government that’s f**ked anyway, like a vet putting down a 15-year-old labrador. It’s absolutely the right thing to do, but it’s hard to feel very positive about it. And if you’re a young person who feels in any way excited about voting for centrist briefcase wankers, you need to do something more worthwhile and generation-appropriate with your life, like solvent abuse.