12 phrases you say and then realise you've become your parents

ONE moment you’re laughing at the idiotic things your parents say, the next the same phrases are coming out of your own stupid, ageing mouth. Here are some of them.

‘Where has this year gone?’

Time moves faster when you’re older. That’s why your parents are always marvelling at the speed of a year and saying things like, ‘I can’t believe it’s October already. It’ll be Christmas before you know it.’ One day you’ll inevitably start saying things like this as well, and thus begins your rapid journey to the grave.

‘You’re letting a draught in!’

No 19-year-old has ever moaned about a draught. It’s a fact of life that you hit 40 and currents of ice-cold air suddenly start attacking you from all angles. At that point the only thing to do is accept you’ve become your dad and go and buy a weird snake-shaped draught excluder that makes opening a door a massive pain.  

‘We have pizza at home’

If you listen very carefully, the first time you actively choose a Dr Oetker pizza over a Domino’s you can actually hear your inner child’s heart breaking.

‘Kids these days don’t know they’re born’

Admittedly, when this phrase leaves your mouth you haven’t become your parents – you’ve become your grandparents. Only the addled minds of the very old would still use a phrase that makes such bafflingly little sense.

‘I’m off to see a man about a dog’

Dads love handy reusable phrases for life’s daily tasks – and pissing and shitting are no exception. The moment you develop a catchphrase of your own to use before taking a dump, there’s no going back.

‘Make sure you wrap up warm. You’ll catch your death out there’

Just like draughts, the older you get, the more deeply concerning the weather becomes. That’s why 70 per cent of everyone’s childhood is their mum telling them to put on a coat.

‘You’re looking well’

When you reach a certain age, people stop worrying about looking good. All you want is some vague reassurance you might live for another few years.

‘Were you born in a barn?’

It’s strange that the people who brought you into the world – and should therefore be well-informed regarding the location of your birth – are the same people who use this tiresome phrase. Alas, a time will come when your own child leaves a door open and the phrase will slip out unpreventably.

‘The TikTok’

Youth doesn’t end at 40. It ends the moment you find yourself adding a ‘the’ to every vaguely trendy thing in existence.

‘We really needed this rain’

Why were our mums and dads always so pleased to see some rain after a bit of a dry spell? Were they all secret f**king farmers?

‘I’m just resting my eyes’

Old people don’t really nap. They just sit on the sofa and ‘rest their eyes’ for 45 minutes while making a noise incredibly similar to snoring.

‘You’ve already wasted most of the day’ (to someone who got out of bed at 10am)

As far as your parents were concerned, if someone was still in bed after midday, they may as well stay there and just crack on through to the next morning. The feckless good-for-nothing probably ‘liked a drink’ and used ‘bad language’, too.

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Men In Black, and other raps middle-aged men know all the words to

RAP music recently turned 50, and so did many of its fans. Here are five iconic tracks all middle-aged men can do a strangely-accented version of.

Men in Black – Will Smith

This extraterrestrial-themed banger from the 1997 movie is rap if it had been invented by dads – inoffensive, lyrically incoherent and steeped in nostalgia. Wild Wild West is arguably better, but nothing can beat the spectacle of a dad bod stuffed into a holiday polo shirt singing: ‘We’re your first, last and only line of defence/ Against the worst scum of the universe.’

John Barnes’ bit from World in Motion – New Order

Every middle-aged man can relive 1990 and the glory days of Gazza, Waddle and Lineker by winding down the windows of his people carrier and rapping along to Barnesy and New Order at full volume. In the back seats the kids – decked out in full Man City kit despite being from Kent – beg him to stop. Meanwhile his wife considers hurling herself into the path of a lorry as he launches into: ‘Catch me if you can/ ‘Cause I’m the England man/ And what you’re looking at/ Is the master plan.’

Gangsta’s Paradise – Coolio

A throwback to 1995 and a dad’s early teens. He begged his folks to buy this single on cassette from Woolworths. They only let him have it because it had no swearing in it. He then played it so much it became part of his DNA – gun violence and gangsta rap being very much part of growing up just outside Surbiton. He can still rap it line-for-line these days, normally in the shower. It’s the only time this homie gets any peace and quiet from his kids Noah and Ophelia.

My Name Is – Eminem

A key part of middle age is forgetting how long ago songs came out. So if men wish to impress onlookers with a rap, they don’t think of Kendrick Lamar, J Hus or Lil Uzi Vert and instead reach for this recent Eminem hit from 1999. They only know the radio edit, because their mum would have made them turn off the explicit version, but Eminem’s most obvious song works for them. More adventurous dads may enjoying spitting the lyrics ‘There’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti’ from Lose Yourself as they put on their cosy Fairisle jumper.

U Can’t Touch This – MC Hammer

The lamest of the lame middle-aged rap genre and full-on ‘embarrassing dad’ stuff. Especially if he’s got a pair of late 80s parachute pants he’s excited to dig out for a fancy dress party. Family and friends and will wish he’d retained some street cred with an equally toe-curling rendition of NWA’s F**k Tha Police. Even though he’s on first name terms with the local rozzers now due to being a member of the parish council, and feels the kids graffitiing the bus stop need stringing up.