Labour poised for election victory if this very specific situation is repeated everywhere

LABOUR is on the brink of forming at least a hung parliament if last night’s unique circumstances happen everywhere in the UK.

The opposition is confident that if every seat involves an MP being booted out due to a Covid scandal, a first minister resigning due to numerous controversies, the press demolishing their opponents and some tactical voting, then they might, just might, gain power.

Keir Starmer said: “It’s a long shot but you never know. Maybe lightning will strike a few dozen more times.

“We won in Rutherglen and Hamilton West partly because voter turnout was so low and everyone felt disillusioned. And given how miserable and apathetic everyone is, I’d say the odds are in our favour as we cruise towards 2024.

“Admittedly it’s as still only as likely as winning the lottery five times in a row or stumbling across a field with only four-leaf clovers, but we can dream can’t we?

“By-elections are a cast-iron indicator of what the country wants. And if we ignore what happened in Uxbridge and South Ruislip and focus purely on this, we’re already in Number 10.

“So why don’t we skip the tedious formality of what’s sure to be a bitterly-fought election and take charge now? As yesterday proved, it’s a done deal. Go on, let me fly everywhere in a helicopter a bit early.”

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Taylor Swift: 'I have noticed some of your parents still have money. So I have released a film'

IT has come to my attention that despite my concerts, my vinyl and my merch some of you have not yet exhausted your parents’ resources. I have a new film out.

It is a film of my tour, opening in cinemas this weekend, and your children want to see it. How much can that be? Nine of your English pounds, you imagine? Oh no.

No, this film is a Taylor Swift film, you see, so it costs £20. That’s twice as much as a regular film, justified by the sublime privilege of seeing me perform for three exhausting hours.

Going with two daughters? That’s 60 quid you won’t be seeing again. Unfortunate enough to have a daughter with an October birthday? You could be down £200.

Still, that’s cheaper than two tickets to see the greedy sow on tour, you mumble darkly as you hand over the cash. Oh, sweet guileless Britain, is it any wonder you’re home to so many of my naive boyfriends?

Do you not know that I am yet to tour your country? That your children, perhaps even yourself, will only be whipped into a frenzy by my expertly-shot movie? Do you not know my marketing is as precise as a military campaign?

After this they’ll demand tickets. You’ll be scouring Britain for the privilege of paying £800 to see something you’ve already seen, robotically live and with a far worse view. You will pledge a monthly tithe just to touch the hem of my sparkling raiment.

This is my era. Would you not be part of it? Would you condemn your children to be outsiders even unto their old age? No.

And 1989 (Taylor’s Version) is released on October 27th. You get paid then, right?