Your invaluable guide to whether someone is out of your league

TRYING to pull someone out of your league leads to humiliation and heartbreak, but aiming too low makes you feel cheated. Here’s how to tell if a shag with a hot person is realistic.

Do they have a glaring personality defect?

While another attractive person would consider this bad, it lessens their desirability and increases your chances. Being mind-numbingly boring, having a passion for taxidermy, liking opera – all of these are desirable traits in a hot potential shag. Just don’t be too blinded by lust. If they want you to get matching Britain First tattoos, find someone a bit plainer.

Are they surrounded by admirers?

In pubs and clubs, gorgeous individuals can find themselves literally surrounded by losers trying to dive in with their crap chat-ups. Give up immediately. It’s weirdly menacing and the other twats won’t succeed anyway. You at least have the self-awareness to know you’re not going to pull a Milla Jovovich clone by shouting drunkenly in her ear about her favourite type of cheese.

Do you get a strong feeling you’re wasting their time?

Distractedness, a glazed expression and constantly texting someone else while laughing fondly are all subtle signs that you’re frankly just a nuisance, like a wasp at picnic. And with an equal chance of getting a blowjob.

Do they resemble someone famous?

If the object of your affections resembles a famous person, you can decide if they’re out of your league by categorising them with this unisex rule of thumb:

● Margot Robbie, Chris Hemsworth, Taylor Swift – no f**king chance.

● Jeremy Hunt, Emily Maitlis, Rory from Doctor Who – worth a punt.

● Suella Braverman, Terry from Brookside, Princess Fiona (green version) – get your coat you’ve pulled.

Do they keep saying things you don’t understand?

Not in the sense of being so pissed they can’t talk, that’s more your thing. No, are they clearly much more intelligent than you? Look out for conversational red flags like ‘Have you read much Schopenhauer?’ or ‘I need to prep for the symposium in Zurich’. They won’t shag you now or ever because a relationship with you would be like owning a pet rock. 

Do they dress sexily?

Items of clothing like tight leather trousers and any outfit people refer to as ‘daring’ mean they’re fit and they know it. However if they turn up to a meeting dressed like Daisy Duke or an anime schoolgirl, they may just be mental. Don’t go there, unless you’re into conversations about reincarnation or whatever total madness they’re bound to believe in.

Do they look at you like a rat?

Looking at you with contempt and revulsion associated with vermin strongly suggests you are not attractive enough by their standards. Fair enough, and they’re probably a narcissistic pain in the arse anyway. It could have been worse – they might have looked at you like dogshit. You’re officially better than dogshit, so move on with your head held high.

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Youth struggling to keep sweatpants aloft

A YOUNG man is wondering why his jogging bottoms keep slipping down after he puts a can of beer in each pocket.

Ryan Whittaker’s most recent ordeal began when he came out of Aldi with two cans of own-brand lager to keep him hydrated during a long evening of weed and Call Of Duty

As he set off for the bus stop he sensibly stowed the cans in his sweatpant pockets, leaving his hands free to scroll through Instagram to avoid becoming bored during the two-minute walk. 

Whittaker said: “I hadn’t got far before I realised something was wrong. 

“I was wearing my joggers at their usual level below the hips with a good inch of boxers showing in the customary gangsta style, when suddenly I felt this strange breeze whistling around my arsehole. 

“I looked down and saw my joggers had slid off my arse at the back and were heading the same way at the front. Luckily by then I was scrolling one-handed so I caught the waistband as my trackies were waving bye-bye to my dick. 

“I pulled them back up, but the same thing kept happening all the way home. It’s well weird.

“My theory is my mates tampered with my joggers as a TikTok prank. But the joke’s on them because they didn’t completely fall down. Which was fortunate because people might have thought I looked like a knob.”