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35-year-old man can't be bothered to get into new porn

A MAN in his mid-30s is content to keep consuming the porn he fell in love with during his formative years.

Joseph Turner has confirmed he cannot be arsed to get into the porn that is popular with younger generations, and firmly believes the best stuff came out in the late 90s.

Turner said: “I used to consume new porn religiously. At uni, I had subscriptions to all the big weekly mags. But you reach a certain age when all current pornographic material just seems derivative and uninspiring. To be honest, a lot of it looks the same.

“In principle, I support the democratisation of the means of production. But porn these days is often horribly amateurish: poor technique, no clever production tricks, and certainly no attempt at plot. It’s just a lot of hardcore sex.

“The graduate interns at work are all into pegging and seem to think they invented the strap-on. Personally, I don’t think you can beat a bit of classic double penetration or a pearl necklace. Call that ‘dad porn’ if you like. I don’t care, I’m a dad.

“Does my traditional approach mean I don’t look at it on my phone? Obviously not. Any innovation that keeps my wife from knowing about my habit is enthusiastically embraced.”

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Fancy notepads: Things you spent a bloody fortune on which are 'too nice to use'

SPENT a stupid amount of money on a theoretically functional item? Here are some things you will never dare to use and resent for it:

Fancy notepads

Anything nicer than a 50p reporters’ notepad is far too beautiful for your unworthy thoughts. Add in a cover made of textured fabric and you start feeling this supposed writing tool is a work of art on a par with the Mona Lisa. Cracking the spine would be practically sacrilegious.

Shaped candles

Who doesn’t love a candle shaped like an adorable pumpkin or a cool geometric shape? But then, do you really want to burn the structural beauty out of your newly-acquired sculpture? Instead, let it sit there as a testament to its own potential, and then you can consider it in a power cut as a last resort, before opting to sit in the dark because it cost £18.

Cushions

A bog-standard cushion is delightfully comfortable to put your head, feet or bum on. However, if you splash out on an expensive one you will be furious if someone tries to put their arse on it, as that’s something they also put on the toilet. It ends up in the spare bedroom where nobody ever sees it, except the cat who uses it as a fancy scratching post.

Beautiful shoes

A pair of gorgeous designer heels is the dream of many women, but you wouldn’t want to risk wearing them outside and getting them dirty. It’s much better to just imagine wearing them to glamorous events you’ll never attend, and only ever put them on to demonstrate to yourself how chubby your feet have become over the years since you bought them.

Decorative bowls

Your partner thinks bowls are simply containers for holding food, but he is wrong. They are a feature of the home, and the more tiny and impractical they are, the better. When he tries to put some cereal in one you freak out and tell him it costs £25. Then he freaks out and tells you off for wasting money that should be going towards a house deposit, and the bowl gets smashed in the ensuing argument.

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