7am gym soundtrack exclusively songs about f**king

A GYM’S early-morning soundtrack for busy professionals exercising before work is entirely focused on sex, regulars have uncomfortably noted. 

A collection of individuals whose joyless lives see them on running machines shortly after dawn on a Monday are being regaled with song after song about f**king while they try to avoid eye contact.

Charlotte Phelps, aged 32, said: “I caught a glimpse of a sweaty, balding man doing squats while a woman sang about needing a stranger’s body ‘right now like nothing else matters’.

“So that was awkward. As was every grunt I heard from the man next to me performing repetitive, sweaty movements so close I could feel his body heat. While a woman sang ‘take it off’ and ‘slow, steady, undress, impress.’

“Why am I listening to music about sex in a nightclub at this time in a Monday? Who am I going to f**k in a nightclub at 7am on a Monday? The cleaner?”

“As someone who is currently rotating my pelvis while working it back and forth, I would prefer the songs to be about something else. What about some nice banging tunes about agriculture?”

Gym manager Joe Turner said: “The music makes the gym a welcoming environment for everyone. Especially those who want to hit nasty all night, girl.”

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Oh well never mind, says female football fan

A FANATICAL Lionesses fan has reacted to their World Cup final loss by saying ‘Shame,’ and turning over to Four In A Bed on E4.

Hannah Tomlinson of Exeter, who has cheered on England’s heroines ever since they won the Euros, made the special effort to watch the final and feels it has not been adequately reciprocated.

She said: “Aah, bet they’re gutted. What else is on?

“I thought we were going to win? All the papers said we would if we believed in the team, and I definitely did. I’d never even heard of any of the Spanish players.

“Goes on a bit, doesn’t it? There should be more goals for how long it is, to keep your attention. At least Mary Earps made it a bit more interesting with that save. Oh well, there’s always next year.

“Four years? Never. I thought it was every summer, like Love Island. What are the girls going to do until then? They can’t all go on Strictly. Still I suppose there’s Dancing On Ice.

“Anyway, let’s not dwell on it and ruin everyone’s Sunday. It’s only a game. The Lionesses wouldn’t want us all upset just because they lost for once.”