A bloke's guide to all those bottles of shit in the bathroom

BEWILDERED by all those bottles your partner keeps in the bathroom? Learn what they are with this guide for men.

Night cream/day cream

Presumably these creams are meant to keep your partner’s skin looking supple and young, although you’ve got grounds for a refund because they aren’t working. And quite why she needs creams for different times of the day is beyond you. You live on a damp, sunless rock on the edge of the Atlantic Ocean, UV rays pose no threat at all.

Body cleanser

A posh name for shower gel. And despite its name, it does nothing whatsoever to cleanse either her body, spirit or soul. Generally packaged with the boast that it contains the essential oils of avocados, guava or another pretentious foodstuff. It’s essentially a fruit salad in a squeezy bottle that set you back 20 quid at Christmas.

Cleansing water

This is apparently different to tap water, which you’ve been washing with for years and it’s done you no harm. Probably has a bit of soap squirted into it to protect the manufacturers from false advertising, but this makes you question why there’s another bar of f**king soap by the sink? Maybe your male brain was never meant to understand.

Eye make-up remover

The flesh around a woman’s eyes is as delicate as damp tissue paper, so it needs an extra sensitive product to remove the gunk she clumsily smears onto it. Cleansing water obviously doesn’t suffice, and you’re a chauvinistic wanker if you think otherwise. Also a tiny bottle of the stuff costs shitloads, which you must never complain about.

Hair hydration foundation spray

Foundation spray keeps a woman’s hair looking moist and silky after taking a shower, even though it’s already f**king soaking wet. It’s typically applied after both shampoo and conditioner, two other products you don’t understand. What’s wrong with washing your hair with the same shower gel you use to scrub your balls? Coincidentally, you’re going bald at 42.

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Six times you wish you'd kept your f**king mouth shut

SPEAKING up is always a bad idea. These six occasions taught you not to run your mouth the hard way.

Answering that question at school

You were sure you knew the right answer. You even laughed at other classmates who got it wrong. Then you spectacularly crashed and burned in front of everyone by f**king up yourself. Your self-esteem never bounced back and you’ve been a social pariah since. And all because you opened your mouth.

When you asked your boyfriend to move in

You were planning to break up with him, then you found one grey hair and decided to settle. You knew you were making a terrible mistake as the words left your mouth, but by the next day he’d moved in his big telly so it was too late to go back. Now you’re stuck with him until one of you dies. Just use your mouth for breathing in the future.

Volunteering in that office meeting

Of course a deathly silence fell across the meeting room when your boss asked someone to work overtime for no extra pay. That’s until you put yourself forward by saying stupid shit like ‘step up to the plate’ and ‘110 per cent’. Meanwhile your colleagues let out a sigh of relief because they got to go home on time and enjoy their one and only existence on this planet.

Meeting your friend’s baby for the first time

Asking about the baby’s sex was a dumb move in this gender-neutral age. Luckily, new parents are like vegans, skiing enthusiasts and born again Christians: you only have to keep your trap shut for 30 seconds and they’ll happily tell you all the information you need. Plus a shitload you don’t care about.

Insisting on paying the restaurant bill

You wanted to make a good impression on a woman as your first date came to a close. Unfortunately she found a man who stubbornly refused to go Dutch not very gentlemanly. In fact it came across as pretty possessive and misogynistic, which might be why she’s not replying to your texts asking about a second date. Take the hint.

Asking your partner how her day was

It was only a glib nicety, and you didn’t expect her response to last the entire evening. But now you know Donna is a backstabbing cow who takes credit for everything, Simon her boss is f**king bone idle, and the new office junior Nathan is a lecherous creep. A simple ‘not bad, you?’ was all you were after.