YOU’VE got an enviable lifestyle, but are you rubbing other people’s noses in it enough? Forget Porsches and designer clothes, the real status symbols are these bourgeois kitchen accessories.
A kitchen island
Having an island in the middle of a room serves no purpose other than to say: ‘Look, peasants, our kitchen is so big we can fit an extra one in the middle of it.’ Maximise the showing off by sticking some wood on there so you can call it a ‘butcher block countertop’, whatever that’s meant to mean.
Some industrial crap
Paintings are passe, so get some custom-built, functionally useless exposed pipes. Opt for copper to ones to add unnecessary expense. If your kitchen looks like the engine room of a steampunk zeppelin you are superior to the rest of society, for some reason.
Nothing says ‘cash to burn’ like the ability to badly scald your hands at the touch of a button. Think of all the minutes you saved not having to fill a kettle and wait for it to boil. You can weave this fact into a brag about not having time to make a cup of tea because ‘Gerald’s counting on me to deliver our most ambitious marketing strategy to date’, or some other business wank.
You need a sizeable inheritance to own an enormous Swedish oven that stays permanently on. And happens to cost 20 grand or more. For a cooker. In fairness they make really good toast, but to justify the cost you’d need a love of toasted bread that’s frankly a bit unhinged.
Head-to-toe le Creuset
To the untrained eye it’s just a bunch of coloured pots and plates. But actually the shittiest spoon costs a week’s wages for a poor person. If your guests don’t understand this and think you’ve just got a big orange casserole dish, explain in detail with prices. Sometimes you have to spell things out for the riffraff.
A second fridge for wine
When the rosé doesn’t even have to share the same refrigerated cabinet as the milk, that’s when you can proudly consider yourself a true middle class ponce.