A kitchen island, and other signs of vast middle class kitchen wealth

YOU’VE got an enviable lifestyle, but are you rubbing other people’s noses in it enough? Forget Porsches and designer clothes, the real status symbols are these bourgeois kitchen accessories.

A kitchen island

Having an island in the middle of a room serves no purpose other than to say: ‘Look, peasants, our kitchen is so big we can fit an extra one in the middle of it.’ Maximise the showing off by sticking some wood on there so you can call it a ‘butcher block countertop’, whatever that’s meant to mean.

Some industrial crap

Paintings are passe, so get some custom-built, functionally useless exposed pipes. Opt for copper to ones to add unnecessary expense. If your kitchen looks like the engine room of a steampunk zeppelin you are superior to the rest of society, for some reason. 

Boiling taps

Nothing says ‘cash to burn’ like the ability to badly scald your hands at the touch of a button. Think of all the minutes you saved not having to fill a kettle and wait for it to boil. You can weave this fact into a brag about not having time to make a cup of tea because ‘Gerald’s counting on me to deliver our most ambitious marketing strategy to date’, or some other business wank.

An Aga

You need a sizeable inheritance to own an enormous Swedish oven that stays permanently on. And happens to cost 20 grand or more. For a cooker. In fairness they make really good toast, but to justify the cost you’d need a love of toasted bread that’s frankly a bit unhinged.

Head-to-toe le Creuset

To the untrained eye it’s just a bunch of coloured pots and plates. But actually the shittiest spoon costs a week’s wages for a poor person. If your guests don’t understand this and think you’ve just got a big orange casserole dish, explain in detail with prices. Sometimes you have to spell things out for the riffraff.

A second fridge for wine

When the rosé doesn’t even have to share the same refrigerated cabinet as the milk, that’s when you can proudly consider yourself a true middle class ponce.

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Why sexually charged love-hate relationships are bollocks in real life

IN films, when two hot people hate each other, they often realise they’ve been in love all along! So why does this bullshit scenario occur so rarely in real life? 

You avoid people you hate

In films, people who detest each other are thrown together to stop a Godzilla or complete one final spy mission. That’s never going to happen with you and Colin in HR. Instead you’ll simply avoid getting into a lift alongside him and stay away from his preferred lunch spots in case the twat talks to you. And that’s your chances of a passionate love-hate f**kfest crushed. 

People are ugly

In real life, the people you hate are not hot. The bastard elderly neighbour who throws crisp packets over the fence claiming they’re yours doesn’t have the chiselled pecs of a Guardians of the Galaxy Chris Pratt. They’re unattractive, and horrible – so why would it even cross your mind to fancy them? Especially when the annoying woman at work looks more like Sybil from Fawlty Towers than Cybill Shepherd.

Your friends don’t care

Your friends have got better things to do than spend their days plotting ways to make you realise that some arsehole is actually your true love. If they even suggested it, you’d think hooking up with someone you hate is f**king stupid idea. That’s because it is.

You’ve got half a brain 

Anyone who isn’t a bloody idiot would prefer to go out with someone nice from the get-go. Why would you waste your energy chasing after, say, the dickhead flatmate who keeps eating your Ben & Jerry’s in the night and then lying about it to your face? Even if there was hidden passion, how could you ever trust them after what they did to your Chunky Monkey?

Life is cruel

Life isn’t a Hollywood romcom. Bad people rarely change and good people who’d make lovely partners stay single indefinitely. Even if your brother’s dickhead mate is your secret soulmate, life isn’t setting you up for a wonderful, fiery romance. He lives 130 miles away in Cleethorpes, which is no bad thing because he’s into Jason Statham movies and Britain First.