MEAL kits are a great way to make cooking more complicated and persuade the opposite sex to f**k you. Here’s the lowdown on which ones are most likely to lead to coitus.
Old El Paso
Old El Paso is the Ray Winstone of meal kits – it’s the daddy, and respect is due. But will it help your quest for intercourse? Yes, insofar as it’s likely to be more edible than the slop you usually make, but ‘no’ in the sense that Mexican food is too hazardous for food-based sex games. The ‘fiery fajita’ version is bound to end up somewhere delicate, making you terrified you’ve permanently cauterised the nerve endings in your knob.
Blue Dragon has something Old El Paso doesn’t – the erotic allure of the Orient. Even the dragon on the box looks like it’s up for a good rogering. Food doesn’t get much sexier than katsu curry and yaki soba, and if you serve it with some chopsticks and an origami crane you’re well on your way to some romantic porking.
Wagamama and Nando’s meal kits
Enjoy the unchallenging mediocrity of a high street chain restaurant in your own home. Wagamama and Nando’s are already perfect locations for bang average dates, so what better than enjoying the same experience cheaper, minus a mood-killing Tube journey back to your flat? But beware of looking like a cheapskate. As you serve up forgettable chicken wraps you can always say ‘I have the meal kits delivered by Fortnum & Mason’ if your date is a bit thick.
Marks and Spencer
If the person you’re trying to bone is on the classy side, M&S is the way to go. Get one of their recipe boxes for two, and proudly tell your date where you bought it. You’ll exude such status and wealth they’ll probably do everything – including sex acts you thought were urban myths – before you’ve even taken the film off the salmon en croute.
Home-delivered meal kit sets are a fairly recent development, but they present exciting possibilities. In the internet age, you could theoretically use apps to have food, drink and sex partners delivered directly to your door – meaning there’s no reason to ever leave the house. Buy some fake tan online so you don’t look like some creepy, sun-deprived sex hermit when your shag comes over.