Old El Paso or Blue Dragon: Which meal kits are best for penetrative sex?

MEAL kits are a great way to make cooking more complicated and persuade the opposite sex to f**k you. Here’s the lowdown on which ones are most likely to lead to coitus.  

Old El Paso

Old El Paso is the Ray Winstone of meal kits – it’s the daddy, and respect is due. But will it help your quest for intercourse? Yes, insofar as it’s likely to be more edible than the slop you usually make, but ‘no’ in the sense that Mexican food is too hazardous for food-based sex games. The ‘fiery fajita’ version is bound to end up somewhere delicate, making you terrified you’ve permanently cauterised the nerve endings in your knob.

Blue Dragon

Blue Dragon has something Old El Paso doesn’t – the erotic allure of the Orient. Even the dragon on the box looks like it’s up for a good rogering. Food doesn’t get much sexier than katsu curry and yaki soba, and if you serve it with some chopsticks and an origami crane you’re well on your way to some romantic porking.

Wagamama and Nando’s meal kits

Enjoy the unchallenging mediocrity of a high street chain restaurant in your own home. Wagamama and Nando’s are already perfect locations for bang average dates, so what better than enjoying the same experience cheaper, minus a mood-killing Tube journey back to your flat? But beware of looking like a cheapskate. As you serve up forgettable chicken wraps you can always say ‘I have the meal kits delivered by Fortnum & Mason’ if your date is a bit thick. 

Marks and Spencer

If the person you’re trying to bone is on the classy side, M&S is the way to go. Get one of their recipe boxes for two, and proudly tell your date where you bought it. You’ll exude such status and wealth they’ll probably do everything – including sex acts you thought were urban myths – before you’ve even taken the film off the salmon en croute. 

HelloFresh

Home-delivered meal kit sets are a fairly recent development, but they present exciting possibilities. In the internet age, you could theoretically use apps to have food, drink and sex partners delivered directly to your door – meaning there’s no reason to ever leave the house. Buy some fake tan online so you don’t look like some creepy, sun-deprived sex hermit when your shag comes over.

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Five ways British people will be total twats about a hosepipe ban

THE hosepipe bans coming into force will give Britain’s most annoying citizens countless ways to be pedantic bastards and tinpot Hitlers. Here’s how they’ll make the most of it.

Being rule-obeying jobsworths

Nothing brings out the curtain-twitchers like a government ban. Step into your garden with a glass of water and you’ll feel the glare of jobsworths itching to grass you up if you spill a drop. Check for the glint of binoculars in their bedroom. The joke’s on them though, because water from the inside tap is fair game. You know because you checked the rules. Twice.

Turning it into a competition

Gardens are vicious suburban arenas for passive-aggressive one-upmanship. Your neighbours will mournfully lament that their lawn is much more parched than yours, even though it’s only a couple of feet away. And when the ban’s over they’ll show off their top-of-the-range hose that will leave you brooding about being a failure in life for several days.

Protesting, for some reason

It wouldn’t be a crisis without a rabble of morons making misspelt signs and marching in London. They won’t have a clear agenda, the ‘Covid is a hoax’ twats will turn up, and for some reason the Churchill statue will be dragged into it, with the Daily Telegraph claiming it’s a blow for freedom against woke fascists, or something. Regardless, Piers Corbyn will be there leading the charge. 

Not giving a f**k

The half of the population who aren’t pedants simply won’t give a toss. They’ll proudly douse their garden with hose water in the middle of the day for all to see, and somehow their blithe attitude will see them through. It’s only annoying because if you tried to pull a similar stunt you’d be fined instantly. That and the fact there’s now no water at all and you might die.

Being totally illogical

When the ban is lifted, ‘sceptical’ Brits will be wary to turn the taps back on. After all, they don’t know where this so-called ‘water’ comes from. Or they’ll immediately binge on water despite there being a genuine crisis two days before. Another subset of dunces will set up umbrellas and plastic sheets to protect their lawns against rain, for reasons only known to themselves.