Six ways your kids will f**k up your holiday the second you leave home

THINK you’re about to embark on a delightful holiday with your lovely family? You aren’t. Here are six ways your kids will f**k it up.

Start fighting in the car

Before you’ve even turned the corner of your street, your children will be antagonising each other, despite being bribed with iPads and sweets to keep quiet. By the time you’ve pulled onto the motorway they’ll be full on punching each other and you’ll be psyching yourself up to give them the bollocking of their lives at the next services. So relaxing.

Disappear at the airport

There’s inevitably a long wait at the airport, which you will spend keeping an obsessive, hawk-like eye on your kids while child-free people do nice things like read books and drink beer. At some stage they will disappear for 20 terrifying minutes before they are eventually found attempting to shoplift LOL Dolls from WHSmiths.

Refuse to eat anything

They point-blank refuse to eat olives and prosciutto at home, but you’re sure they’ll change their minds when dining in a genuine Italian trattoria. They don’t, and loudly demand chips while you are stared at with pitying contempt by a whole roomful of locals who think you are a family of plebs.

Wake you up at 5am

For you, holidays are a time to relax and have a lie-in. Your children, however, spend the duration being either wildly overexcited or desperately bored, and want you to get up criminally early every day to entertain them. You might as well have stayed at home, you think, as it would be exactly the same but way cheaper.

Be grizzly little shits all the way home

The holiday is over and the whole family is even more exhausted than they were when you left. Your kids express their fatigue by grizzling throughout, kicking the back of the aeroplane seat in front of them and having a full on tantrum in arrivals because they want to go back to Spain. Happy holidays!

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Should you report yourself for 'vilifying' Britain?

RISHI Sunak has promised to clamp down on those who ‘vilify’ the fascist regime, sorry, ‘Britain’. So are you a treacherous vilifier or just a bit of a moaner? Read our checklist and be sure where you stand.

Last week I said I didn’t find Dad’s Army very funny

Clear vilification. You will be taken to a re-education camp where you will not be allowed to sleep for six days and made to watch every episode of this hilarious wartime sitcom. And you will laugh. By God, Sunak’s special team of South American torturers will make you laugh.

I reckon they’re putting fewer prawns in my bhuna ready meal

Are you vilifying the economy under our beloved Conservative government? There are more prawns than ever in your ready meal. You are clearly mentally defective and should spend 25 years in a psychiatric hospital being injected with mind-bending drugs.

I wore a humorous anti-Brexit t-shirt to the pub

We know. It said ‘I think therefore I am… not a Brexiter’. The secret police have photos. Think you’re funny, do you, Lord Haw-Haw? Let’s see if you’re laughing when we distribute fake photos of you having sex with a Vauxhall Astra. You’ll be branded a pervert, your partner will leave you, and you’ll forever be known as ‘Steve Who Shagged An Astra’. (Patriotic Brits aren’t very imaginative.)

I think Rishi Sunak is a bit of a slimy git

Rishi embodies all that is noble and British, betting against the pound in his hedge fund days, keeping his US Green Card, and now flushing out traitors. Not because he arrogantly thinks working class scum will vote for anything patriotic, but because he loves his country. Rishi should kick you to death himself, but he wouldn’t scuff up his £490 Prada shoes.

I didn’t watch the Lionesses because I’m not into football

This is ‘passive vilification’. But equally bad. Turn yourself in to the police and sign a full confession. A court will then issue the death sentence. The same punishment applies to not listening to ‘Three Lions’ at least six times a day while weeping with national pride.

I was a bit annoyed I couldn’t get a doctor’s appointment

There are no delays or waiting lists in the Tory NHS. This sort of sedition spits in the face of our kindly and well-paid nurses. You will be taken to a lock-up garage and beaten with baseball bats. You may need hospital treatment afterwards which will require a wait of several months. Correction: that should read ‘which will be instantaneous’.

I find George Cross flags a bit tacky

Good God, now you’re vilifying every decent Briton who loves their flag, hates the EU and votes Tory. Hand yourself in and get ready for the gulag, although you may find this ‘vilifying’ nonsense is instantly dropped when Sunak loses to Truss and moves to the US to join an investment bank like the sulky little shit we always suspected he was.