THINK you’re about to embark on a delightful holiday with your lovely family? You aren’t. Here are six ways your kids will f**k it up.
Start fighting in the car
Before you’ve even turned the corner of your street, your children will be antagonising each other, despite being bribed with iPads and sweets to keep quiet. By the time you’ve pulled onto the motorway they’ll be full on punching each other and you’ll be psyching yourself up to give them the bollocking of their lives at the next services. So relaxing.
Disappear at the airport
There’s inevitably a long wait at the airport, which you will spend keeping an obsessive, hawk-like eye on your kids while child-free people do nice things like read books and drink beer. At some stage they will disappear for 20 terrifying minutes before they are eventually found attempting to shoplift LOL Dolls from WHSmiths.
Refuse to eat anything
They point-blank refuse to eat olives and prosciutto at home, but you’re sure they’ll change their minds when dining in a genuine Italian trattoria. They don’t, and loudly demand chips while you are stared at with pitying contempt by a whole roomful of locals who think you are a family of plebs.
Wake you up at 5am
For you, holidays are a time to relax and have a lie-in. Your children, however, spend the duration being either wildly overexcited or desperately bored, and want you to get up criminally early every day to entertain them. You might as well have stayed at home, you think, as it would be exactly the same but way cheaper.
Be grizzly little shits all the way home
The holiday is over and the whole family is even more exhausted than they were when you left. Your kids express their fatigue by grizzling throughout, kicking the back of the aeroplane seat in front of them and having a full on tantrum in arrivals because they want to go back to Spain. Happy holidays!