A life of abject misery is a fair swap for a roof over your head, say boomers

BOOMERS have confirmed that wanting to enjoy small luxuries as well as having the basic necessity of a home is typical of feckless snowflake millennials.

After Kirstie Allsopp claimed that young people could buy a house if they gave up Netflix and moved to the arse end of nowhere, boomers weighed in to agree.

Carolyn Ryan said: “In my day we didn’t waste money on streaming services or going to the gym. I mean, they hadn’t been invented yet but that doesn’t stop me telling young people they’re pampered little whiners for enjoying them.

“Why can’t they tolerate discomfort, boredom and misery for the privilege of being able to scrape together enough money to buy a mouldy studio flat in Luton? So what if they work in London? They could commute there on foot if they set off early enough, the lazy bastards.

“If you aren’t prepared to make sacrifices like never eating out, going for a drink, buying a new pair of trousers or having a holiday, you deserve to live in a shop doorway with a dead dog for a pillow.”

Millennial Nikki Hollis said: “If I give up my £5.99 a month Netflix subscription I’ll have enough money for a deposit in about 250 years. Better get saving.”

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Six half-arsed excuses for the party photo tossed off by desperate Tory MPs

THE latest photo of Boris Johnson at a Christmas party might seem like proof of his guilt. But some Tory MPs have been wheeled out to cast doubt. Here’s what they’re having to resort to:

Are you sure that’s Boris Johnson in the picture?

It’s terribly blurred, especially if you squint and hold it a yard away and rub vaseline on your glasses. Why, it could be anyone – Michael Fabricant, Ed Sheeran, Tracy Tracy from the Primitives, anyone!

Anything could be in that bottle

Why assume there’s fizzy alcohol in a champagne bottle? It’s just a bottle. There could be any sort of liquid in there – Ribena, washing-up liquid, caustic soda. We must withhold judgment until Sue Gray has personally tasted what was in the bottle. It should be easy to locate. 

The prime minister is wearing a smart shirt and tie

The British people aren’t interested in who went to this or that party, what they want to see is that our prime minister is properly dressed. Yes, thousands died needlessly, but he’s not wearing a donkey jacket like Michael Foot didn’t. Or sporting a filthy, lice-ridden Trotskyite beard like Corbyn.

Look, we all broke lockdown rules, didn’t we?

Don’t give me that nonsense about not being able to see your granny. I bet you were holding garden parties and gymkhanas on your back lawns. I know I was and it didn’t do anyone any harm, except people who were probably going to die anyway. Like my granny.

Being PM is jolly stressful and he deserved the occasional work event

What with finding fridges to hide in and having to pretend to be a construction worker, the man who got the pandemic done deserves the odd daily bottle of champagne, or two, plus beers, to see him through to dinnertime. 

It’s wokeness gone mad

We Conservatives have always enjoyed a party: a few drinks, some good-humoured racist abuse and a grope of our delectable female staff. We’re buggered if a bunch of virtue-signalling do-gooder Marxist scientists are going to tell us it’s a bad idea.