A sexist, racist guide to fire safety. By the Fire Service

31st March 2023

POLITICAL correctness won’t put a fire out, love, and you can’t have a smoke alarm that treats all air particles the same. Fireman Wayne Hayes explains.

Now, first up, 90 per cent of fires in the home are caused by birds. You know what you’re like, lighting candles and leaving your hair straighteners on and all that shit. Nice to look at, but heads full of nonsense.

So the best way to avoid that is to have a bloke around. A proper one too, not one of these woke lads who are halfway to joining the other team. He’s hardly going to save you when he’s asking for consent to turn off your air fryer, is he?

Don’t get me wrong, we deal with a lot of single women in our game. They call us out for some minor thing like smoke inhalation, we keep hold of their numbers and offer to perform 2am bedroom inspections. But we can’t be there all the time. We’ve got wives.

Second, you can’t trust foreigners. Now I don’t discriminate: black, Asian, Eastern European, Hispanic – they’re all a major fire risk.

They don’t understand electricity, which is a British invention, and they’re as fascinated by fire as a caveman would be. Doesn’t matter how many microwaves or storage heaters you give them, they’ll end up setting light to shit.

And they can’t take their booze – that’s not racist, that’s medical – so they’re prone to passing out fag in hand. That’s why I don’t let any in the house I sublet or the nightclub I work on the door of.

Basically being a proper lad is the key to fire safety in all circumstances, which is why that describes nine out of ten of us. Got all that? Good. No calls? Pop a porn film on, Dave.

10 fantasy characters you must never admit to wanking over

31st March 2023

FOR some reason, society frowns upon finding Tolkien-style fantasy characters sexually attractive. Unless you want to be a social pariah, never confess your lust for these.

Eowyn

Just being able to name this minor Lord of the Rings character immediately marks you out as a tragic nerd. Sadly it’s deemed normal to admit to wanking over a glamour model like Lucy Pinder, but not the brave shieldmaiden who killed the Witch-King of Angmar. Society is so messed up.

The covergirl of Dragon magazine

This Dungeons & Dragons magazine frequently featured meticulously painted airbrush images of a female character, eg. a large-breasted warrior in skimpy armour. Or sometimes just a naked chick looking at a dragon hatching from a giant egg. It was all good. However you may not want to drop it into the laddish banter with the blokes at work when they’re swapping shagging stories.

Rutger Hauer in Ladyhawke

Rutger was one of the better-looking heroes of swords and sorcery nonsense in this 1985 film. Female nerds could do a lot worse when it comes to masturbatory material, and it is at least a proper film, unlike the genre’s many low-budget knock-offs with titles like Gronan the Barbarous.

Elrond

Middle Earth’s sexiest DILF. In Lord of the Rings he’s 6,497 years old, so he’s going to be an experienced lover, unlike the mere stripling Legolas, who’s always f**king around with hobbits and probably doesn’t last long in bed.

Beautiful chaotic good level 10 elven mage

Any red-blooded D&D player would fancy this intelligent, sexy, independent-minded enchantress with pointy ears from the fantasy roleplaying game. It gets a bit weird if she’s your character, but it’s hardly uncommon for D&D players to have sexual encounters with just themselves.

Hank the Ranger

The handsome Luke Skywalker-esque hero of Dungeons & Dragons, the 80s cartoon based on the game. Rest assured, people will think you’re a f**king weirdo for remembering this, never mind wanting to shag one of the characters.

Any woman from the Gor novels

A horrifically sexist series of novels by John Norman in which earth’s most beautiful women are abducted by flying saucers to become the sex slaves of barbarians on a deliberately primitive planet, where they come to enjoy their submissive role. We are not making this up. Literary classics such as Slave Girls of Gor invariably featured these hapless, frequently naked, hotties on the cover, but they’re hard to come by now, and don’t expect a Virago reprint.

Spyro the Dragon, all platforms

With his cute little face he’s actually better-looking than your boyfriend, and definitely more manly, despite being a small purple dragon. A boring night in with a spag bol ready meal and mundane sex, or an adventure in the Dragon Kingdom followed by prolonged lovemaking with a plucky dragon with boundless energy? No contest.

She-Ra

Even as a child you noticed She-Ra was a bit too, er, adult, for a children’s cartoon. In a milestone for feminism, a later version of the character got a dress that didn’t stop at the very top of her thighs. A bit dated but a fairly healthy sexual fantasy, certainly in comparison to frenziedly wanking over Orko.

One of the Galadriels

There’s Cate Blanchett’s Galadriel and Morfydd Clark’s Galadriel. Obviously they’re both great, but in The Rings of Power Galadriel has a slightly annoying tendency to be right about absolutely everything. It’s not much of a fantasy if it’s too much like a real relationship.