Glue, and six other ways Britain used to get f**ked up

WITH nitrous oxide off the menu, join us on a trip down the seedy bit of memory lane and remember the cheap-and-nasty highs the nation used to love.


The only form of drug abuse that required you to pretend you were building an Airfix kit of a Spitfire. Once free from suspicion, glue was dirt cheap, though reputed to kill brain cells in alarming quantities. These days glue sniffing is looked down upon. Honestly, people are such snobs.


Before Blueberry Haze and Bubblegum Kush there was soapbar. For £10 an eighth you just put up with all the bits of plastic, and you could measure your usage by the holes in your sleeves. Very much the ‘unlucky dip’ of soft drugs, bulked out with anything from beeswax to coffee granules. Handy for the stoner who wanted to polish their parquet flooring then have a Nescafe.


Before it came with gold medal rosettes and the name of each individual apple listed on the bottle, cider was for forgetting your own name. Enjoyed on its own or as a mixer with lager and blackcurrant, aficionados lived by the delightful rhyme: ‘If the bottle is clear, it’s too dear. If the bottle is blue, I’ll have two.’


If you found the cocktail of sugar and artificial flavourings in Sunny Delight too healthy, there was Reef. Made with orange and passion fruit flavourings, vodka, regret, and the urge to bum fags off strangers, Reef dominated urban chain pubs like a drunk divorcee at last orders.


A designer drug in the sense that Adidas is designer clothing, ‘speed’ referred to a mix of various substances containing up to 0.05 per cent amphetamine. That’s not to say there were no other active ingredients. Caffeine, paracetamol and possibly catnip all combined to make you feel like shit for days afterwards.


Cheap and readily available in Boots, its popularity was limited by the high chance of instant death, never much of a selling point. For some reason it never caught on with the glitterati in the way that cocaine did. Was it something to do with the classy technique of huffing it out of a bucket of water to avoid getting a mouthful of L’Oreal? Who can tell?

Amyl nitrate

Still has its devotees, but the high – more of a head rush similar to the start of a mild panic attack – is incredibly short-lived and known to cause headaches. Not ideal for something sold to enhance your sex life. 

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Six health benefits of giving me a blowjob: A man explains

GIVING blowjobs is vital for your health, and the fact that I, a man, enjoy them immensely is just a coincidence. Here’s how oral sex will keep you in tip-top condition, especially if you swallow.

It will make you happy

Yes, that’s right. My pleasure is just a by-product of the extreme sense of relaxation and wellbeing you will feel if I pop my penis in your mouth. It’s because semen has been proven in a very dubious and limited scientific study to reduce symptoms of depression. Why would any male scientist make that finding up?

It cures insomnia

If you don’t have insomnia, that’s fine. It’ll help you get a good night’s sleep and we all need that – especially me after you’ve given me a blowjob. In fact, post-BJ sleepiness could be a special thing we can share as a couple, like a simultaneous orgasm, but with unconsciousness.

It lowers the risk of cancer

A study, which unfortunately I don’t have a link to, shows that giving head will lower your chances of getting breast cancer, and in fact all cancers and diseases. But only if you do it once a day. I know that seems excessive, but you can’t argue with science.

It’s anti-ageing

There’s a chemical in sperm called spermohexydioxide, which I definitely did not just make up, that slows down the ageing process. Just think of all the money I’m saving you on expensive creams and serums as I nudge your head down towards my crotch. No need to rub it on your face, swallowing works best, I assume. Why don’t we do a case study together? 

It offers pain relief

Spunk contains oxytocin and endorphins which are natural painkillers. So when you next have a headache, boob ache, vag ache, whatever ache, I’ll be there by your sickbed, kindly expecting a blowie.

It improves your memory

If you want to remember why you vowed to stop dating wankers like me, a few blowjobs might help, because jizz is packed with nutrients that improve your memory. Probably zinc and that. So sucking me off is like taking a multivitamin – although admittedly a little harder to swallow and less fruity-tasting.