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Millennial remembers 80s better than his own boring decade

A 34-YEAR-OLD man has far more vivid recollections of the 1980s than his own formative decade the ‘noughties’.

Oliver O’Connor recalls bugger all about 2000 to 2010, despite these being his teen and college years, whereas the 1980s, which he experienced two years of as a baby, was easily the best decade of his life.

He said: “The Smiths, New Order, Prince, The Cure, The Human League, Simple Minds – what a decade for music. I wish I could go back to those days. I mean I was a foetus, but what a time to be a foetus.

“And the TV – Only Fools and Horses, The Young Ones, Minder. It was classic shows like that that gave me my lifelong passion for repeats.”

The noughties, in which he attained puberty, made new friends, passed his driving test and went to university, have left O’Connor with no recollection of pop culture or indeed anything much, except exams.

He added: “It’s all a bit of a blur to me. Actually, there was Blur, wasn’t there? No, they were the 90s. What else? Did anything happen? I’m racking my brains but I don’t think it did. 

“Oh yeah, Two Pints of Lager And a Packet of Crisps. There were about 800 episodes of that. Didn’t watch any.”

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Rollerblading, and other activities that feel better without a condom

SEX isn’t the only activity vastly improved by not wearing a small latex sheath. These pastimes feel better without a condom too.

Rollerblading

Zipping around on roller blades carries certain risks, but getting someone pregnant isn’t one of them unless you really mess up. That means you’ll be fine with protective gear like knee pads and a helmet, and your condom can remain safely tucked away in your wallet. Just as it has done for the last 20 years.

Going to a gig

Seeing a band live often involves dancing around and working up a sweat, which means a condom is likely to shuffle off your penis and slide down your trouser leg. Not only does this render its contraceptive qualities useless, it also risks public humiliation by dropping out onto the dance floor. Play it safe, go bareback.

Scuba diving

Observing the Great Barrier Reef isn’t the same if you’re wearing a rubber johnny. Yes, you’ll be looking at a natural wonder tragically threatened by manmade pollution, but you won’t really feel anything because your dick is encased in a tiny protective windsock. Slip it off halfway through your dive, nobody will notice.

Visiting an art gallery

Unless it’s a shitty modern gallery, looking at famous artworks while wearing a condom will make you feel like an idiot. Even paintings of nude women are designed to stimulate your eyes, not your genitals, so feel free to raw dog that Botticelli collection. Nobody will be any the wiser unless you pitch a trouser tent.

Bungee jumping

Plummeting from a great height on an elasticated cord will instantly cause terror-induced impotence, which means rolling on a rubber will be next to impossible as well as completely pointless. Don’t ruin it for everyone else by holding up the queue as you clumsily try to slip a condom onto your flaccid member. Save that for the bedroom.

Go-karting

A condom will only weigh you down and create drag, two things you don’t want if you intend to race around the track in record time. And if you hit the crash barrier it will do nothing to protect your delicate manly organs. A jock strap, while still completely unnecessary, would be a better shout.

Miniature golf

Feeling the wind blowing through your genitals is the secret highlight of miniature golf, so don’t rob yourself of this giddy thrill by wearing a prophylactic. You’re not at risk of catching anything from these holes, so live a little and go condomless.

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