BABIES are adorable and rewarding, and if you dress them up like miniature bikers what’s wrong with you? Along with these acts of idiocy:
A leather jacket
We can all indulge in a leather jacket. Sure, it’s not original, but it’s a robust classic that will last years. You know what doesn’t last years? A baby staying the size of a baby-sized leather jacket. You’ll get four wears out of it, and it cost you £35.
Once, trainers were for athletics. Since then they’ve evolved to become status symbols. But for babies they fulfil neither function and remain glaringly pointless. Your five-month-old cannot even roll himself over, let alone distinguish Air Jordans from Yeezys, and everyone knows and judges you.
Perfect for telling the world, ‘Not only can I waste my money abundantly, I also want to annoy everyone within 20 feet’. Yes, there are special apps for pre-schoolers, and yes they claim to be educational. Your child will very soon show you how interested they are in that shit by letting the iPad clatter to the floor.
A massive rocking horse
Makes the nursery look lovely. Is completely inaccessible to the child for many years to come, and even when they’re old enough to use it they’ll be disappointed to discover all it does is rock. But the looming presence of it over their cot will give them recurring nightmares and haunt them into adulthood.
A large birthday party
The perfect gathering at which to present all of this shit, as well as to pressure all of us into buying even more shit for a person whose skull is not even yet fully formed. Save your money and, more importantly, save us all the hassle of pretending not to see what you’ve become.