ARSENAL and Spurs were only invited to join the Super League to guarantee the proper clubs regular easy victories, it has emerged.
Arsenal, whose current glorious run has seen them lose to Southampton, Wolves and Burnley, have been invited to football’s top table because bullies are nothing without victims.
And Spurs, whose greatest years are only available on a Pathé News Bulletin showreel, are believed to have accepted their role as cannon fodder for vastly superior clubs.
JP Morgan financier Julian Cook said: “Initially, we were going to invite Walsall FC and Hartlepool United.
“But then we realised it would make us look like a bunch of nakedly cynical twats with zero interest in real competition, which is factual but bad PR.
“So, keeping as straight a face as we could, we asked ‘elite’ clubs Arsenal and Spurs as the footballing equivalent of ageing, weak goats tethered to posts to make an easy meal for hungry tigers.
“Real Madrid and Barcelona need a couple of fixtures in which they can rest players, not break a sweat and still win by four clear goals.
“Six months and they’ll be begging for the Europa League. But they’ve signed with us up until the year 2500, the daft mercenary dickheads.”