Coffee after 5pm, and five other things you'll massively regret in your 40s

OVER 40? Keen not to feel like a sack of shit? 44-year-old Martin Bishop details six things that will set you back two days if you even attempt them: 

Drinking coffee after 5pm

If you enjoy lying awake until three in the morning in a puddle of your own sweat, try a weak coffee in the late afternoon to power through that last hour of work. You’ll spend the next day exhausted and repeat the cycle, destroying your sanity and marriage in the process.

Sitting in an uncomfortable chair

As a youngster you passed out on the grass off your tits at festivals, or sprawled in your mate’s bean bag chair, but doing that now will result in back pain that even the most generous slathering of Voltarol won’t alleviate. Don’t try it.

Doing exercise

Going for a run or playing tennis when past 40 leaves you with a strong chance of developing a hip or shoulder injury that will leave you bedridden. If you really have to move your body at all, try aqua aerobics with the pensioners.

Eating anything nice

Last time I had a burger at a restaurant I developed heartburn and acid reflux that lasted for the next nine days. Anything with fat, sugar, dairy or salt content is going to seriously f**k up your delicate guts, so best stick to a plain salad or, as a treat, a piece of brown toast.


While other drugs might have been off the table since your mid-30s, now it’s time to say goodbye to alcohol which will bring on a four-day vegetative state when you even look at a pint. Just look forward to the morphine you’ll get for your knee replacement.

Staying up past midnight

If you’re reading this at 1am you’ve seriously f**ked it, mate. There’s no chance you’ll get up in the morning feeling remotely human. Maybe reincarnation is real and you’ll get another shot at being 20 again. But probably not.

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How to live with the football club you love selling its soul, by a Man City fan

by Tom Logan, a Manchester City supporter since 1979

ARE you feeling a sickening wrench in your very heart as the football club you love abandons every moral principle for money? Yeah. Been there. Let me make it okay. 

First of all, it’s really great to win shit. Trust me. We won nothing for 30 years, apart from promotion from leagues it was a humiliation to be in, and it sucked really hard. Winning a big old Premier League trophy goes a long way to stifling that self-loathing.

Also, we have the good players now. Christ how we suffered during the lean years. While Beckham was banging them in from 50 yards on the other side of the city, our player of the season was Shaun Goater. Don’t get me wrong Shaun you’re a legend, but a legend from a time it hurts to remember.

It doesn’t hurt to do a bit of moral relativism as well. Okay, so we’re owned by an oil state with a frankly f**ked up human rights record. But at least it’s not a Russian oligarch trying to make himself visible enough to survive Putin’s wrath, or Mike Ashley, or Qatar.

What were City’s principles, anyway? Being vaguely cool in the 1960s? Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory? Losing all the f**king time?

Sure, I spent a season pretty conflicted about what we’d become, and a few more telling myself to enjoy it because it’d surely be gone soon, but now I’m as entitled and contemptuous of the relegation fodder we’re forced to play as any United or Liverpool fan.

Does the European Super League hurt? In comparison to being in the third tier while our twat neighbours won a f**king treble? Nah. Do I care if we never play Dinamo Zagreb again? Do I bollocks.

It’s only a soul. Look at all these shiny trophies.