Friday, 14th May 2021

Coffee after 5pm, and five other things you'll massively regret in your 40s

OVER 40? Keen not to feel like a sack of shit? 44-year-old Martin Bishop details six things that will set you back two days if you even attempt them: 

Drinking coffee after 5pm

If you enjoy lying awake until three in the morning in a puddle of your own sweat, try a weak coffee in the late afternoon to power through that last hour of work. You’ll spend the next day exhausted and repeat the cycle, destroying your sanity and marriage in the process.

Sitting in an uncomfortable chair

As a youngster you passed out on the grass off your tits at festivals, or sprawled in your mate’s bean bag chair, but doing that now will result in back pain that even the most generous slathering of Voltarol won’t alleviate. Don’t try it.

Doing exercise

Going for a run or playing tennis when past 40 leaves you with a strong chance of developing a hip or shoulder injury that will leave you bedridden. If you really have to move your body at all, try aqua aerobics with the pensioners.

Eating anything nice

Last time I had a burger at a restaurant I developed heartburn and acid reflux that lasted for the next nine days. Anything with fat, sugar, dairy or salt content is going to seriously f**k up your delicate guts, so best stick to a plain salad or, as a treat, a piece of brown toast.

Drinking

While other drugs might have been off the table since your mid-30s, now it’s time to say goodbye to alcohol which will bring on a four-day vegetative state when you even look at a pint. Just look forward to the morphine you’ll get for your knee replacement.

Staying up past midnight

If you’re reading this at 1am you’ve seriously f**ked it, mate. There’s no chance you’ll get up in the morning feeling remotely human. Maybe reincarnation is real and you’ll get another shot at being 20 again. But probably not.