Achieving spiritual enlightenment: Five things easier than getting a mortgage

WANT to buy a house but can’t face the gruelling process of applying for a mortgage? Try these incredibly difficult activities that are still easier than doing all that paperwork.

Achieve spiritual enlightenment

Reaching a spiritual understanding of the universe is a lifelong pursuit that involves killing your ego and confronting your fears. And while it sounds like a chore, it’s a doddle compared to going through old bank statements and breaking down how much you spend on biscuits each month.

Get blood from a stone

This could be either metaphorically or literally. Extracting information from a stubborn person and trying to wring bodily fluids from a rock are difficult in their own unique ways, yet both take less effort than prising house keys from a solicitor’s wizened hands.

Invent a perpetual motion machine

You’ll run into a few roadblocks with this one, most noticeably the immutable laws of physics and your profound ignorance of science. Keep at it though, because you’ll probably invent an infinite source of free energy much sooner than you’ll save up enough money to buy a bedsit in Zone 6.

Make peace with your enemies

Offering an olive branch to the many people you hold petty grudges against is one of the hardest things you can do as a human being. As well as swallowing your pride you have to pretend to be a bigger person, but it’s still a breeze next to the Herculean task of convincing your parents to help with a deposit.

Climb Mount Everest

Scaling the world’s tallest mountain requires immense physical and mental stamina, plus it takes bloody ages and there’s a good chance it could kill you. This is exactly how the mortgage application process feels, and all you get at the end of it is a falling-down shithole to throw money at forever.

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47-year-old woman still terrified her mum will find out she smokes

A GROWN woman in her late 40s is scared stiff that her mother will find out she smokes.

Joanna Kramer lives in mortal dread of her mum bollocking her upon discovering she has a secret 20-a-day habit.

Kramer said: “There is nothing on this earth more terrifying than getting a severe telling off from your mum, or even just a look of pure, unadulterated disapproval. I don’t care how old you are.

“I cover my habit when I visit her by sucking a shitload of mints so my breath is fresh. It seems to work, but I suspect she thinks I have a weird obsession with Polos.”

Margaret Kramer said: “Of course I know she smokes, I have since she was a teenager. Her clothes reek of fags and the excuse ‘I was standing next to a smoker’ is even less convincing now she’s a middle-aged solicitor.

“But then she has no idea her real dad isn’t who she thinks he is, so we both have our dirty little secrets.”