Six toys kids will play with for five minutes

WANT to amuse your children for up to 300 seconds? Buy them one of these hot items: 

Lightsaber

You yearned for a lightsaber when you were a kid. You dreamed about one. But your children aren’t into Star Wars because the new films are tedious and will hit their lightsabers against each other for around three minutes before leaving them, still gently buzzing, on the ground.

Some kind of robot

‘Over six billion different interactions’, the adverts claim, ‘will delight kids for days’. So in the hope of some peace and quiet you bought one and spent two hours setting it up and downloading the inevitable app. Turns out it does around six things which entertain for way fewer than six minutes.

Drone

What child wouldn’t love a drone? Surely only one without preternatural motor skills capable of making tiny movements on a joystick to control a vehicle in three dimensions while taking wind speed into account. After zooming off uncontrollably a few times, not worth the trouble of retrieving from next door’s rose bush.

Laser tag

All the fun of visiting Laser Quest in your own home, without teenagers who secure key sniping positions and spend the whole game racking up points off you. But your kids end up shooting each other at point-blank range, then hitting each other with the guns, then getting the guns taken off them with 90 seconds still on the clock.

Enormous Lego kit

Fun to build, great to look at, impossible to play with. So delicate that all the bits fall off the minute it’s picked up, so complex you can’t piece it back together without consulting the instructions. Was Lego always like this? Or have adults ruined it, like everything else?

Nerf guns

In all honesty the kids could have hours of fun with these if given free rein. But adults swiftly tire of being shot, it turns out, especially with a belt-fed repeater that delivers 30 shots per minute each hard enough to break a flat-screen telly.

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Downstairs toilet not for shitting in

A WOMAN has explained to her husband and two sons that the downstairs toilet is not suitable for them to do shits in. 

Joanna Kramer was visibly distressed at the necessity of explaining that the loo under the stairs is for urination not defecation, which she expected would be obvious.

She continued: “Yes, it’s a toilet. But it’s a toilet mere yards away from the kitchen. And there’s an old phrase about not doing number twos where you eat, yes?

“It’s only a short trip up the stairs to the family bathroom, which has an extractor fan and a window you can open and a Glade plug-in, so I think it would be much nicer if we went there from now on, yes? Every time. No exceptions.”

She added privately: “I’m trying to watch Vera and they’re in there shitting like f**king beasts? Not in my f**king house.

“The smell drifts into the kitchen, it drifts into the lounge, and what if someone nice comes round? What do I say, ‘Welcome to my house of shit’? Dirty bastards.”

Husband Simon Kramer said: “Point taken. From now on, I’ll dump in our en-suite.”